


My kind of drug

by SomewhereDreaming95



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-12 03:53:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 30,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29004045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomewhereDreaming95/pseuds/SomewhereDreaming95
Summary: Alice and Lando Norris met online by pure luck. Then the pandemic changed everything and forced them to live together, deal with their own fears but most of all their love.At first they're always together, then divided, and finally the F1 2020 Championship is starting again in the middle of one thousand unknowns. What will happen?- - -“When you spend your whole life repressing your feelings... you just do it. Have you ever watched 'The perks of being a wallflower'? The main character is being told a thing: we accept the love we think we deserve. And I... I'm convinced I don't deserve any kind of love, since when I was 11.”
Relationships: Lando Norris/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 21
Kudos: 22





	1. 1 - Madness in Australia

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! This is my first F1 fanfiction (not my first ever fanfiction because I used to write them when I was younger, but we're not here for that).  
> This story is basically made of weird (night and day)dreams I had a few months ago, and as I couldn't get rid of them in any way, I started writing them down.  
> I already wrote and translated the whole story (feel free to give me advices on the language, because my English is pretty rusty at the moment), I hope it will be enough interesting :P  
> Well the first chapter it actually isn't, but I promise it gets better!

I've never been a fan of rash decisions.  
I've always been sensible, focused, almost boring in many occasions. Did I throw away 26 years of my life? Could be.  
But life never was too easy for me. This life brought me too many insecurities, enough mental instability and way too many extra pounds.  
But it's not too bad, I have some dear friends, a secure job in my family pharmacy and the chance to spend some time on my own, finally: I'm crossing the exit of Melbourne Airport and while adjusting my ffp2 mask I'm very tempted to go back home.  
“What the hell am I doing here?” I'm speaking to myself. An Asian woman is passing by and eyeballs me when she hears my voice. She's right, I'm being such a weirdo.  
I'm walking towards the line for a taxi, I have to wait my turn leaving a proper distance.  
It doesn't take long, I suppose this ongoing pandemic decreased the number of people willing to travel.  
“Where can I take you, Miss?” Asks me the taxi driver with a strong accent.  
“Albert Park circuit, thank you.”  
We start moving right away, but I'm afraid this will take long because of the traffic.  
I sigh and let my eyes wander out of the window, over the skyscrapers around me, and for the tenth time I ask myself what the hell I'm doing here, literally on the other side of the world.  
The taxi driver tries to start a conversation while we are stuck in a queue “Are you here for F1?”  
Technically I am “I have to meet a friend”.  
It's the same explanation I said to my parents when I announced I wanted to travel alone till here. I still remember their faces staring at me, genuinely speechless. Poor them, I still think they believe I had a stroke or something.  
The pandemic surely didn't help to reassure them, I just called (they made me swear I'd have kept them informed as much as possible) and they were pretty emotional. I'd have reacted the same in their place.  
I see the first sign indicating the circuit and the traffic gets even worse.  
I'm nervous, I begin rummaging in my bag just to focus my mind on something else. My fingers hold a pass for the race week: name, surname, pic, date of the race and a code to get into the McLaren hospitality area.  
I'm here to meet one of the McLaren drivers, Lando Norris.  
If I recall how we met, I still simile like an idiot.  
Despite my -poor- physical appearance, I've always been a sports fan: especially football and F1. When I took part to a McLaren contest I never had the slightest idea I could have won it. Especially with a stupid meme I created in less than a minute.  
But as I said, I won. And the prize was to speak with Lando privately, thanks to WhatsApp. It started with a couple of set phrases, and I honestly thought it would have ended up there.  
On the contrary we started to talk on a daily basis about anything: dreams, passions, hard times... we spoke till dawn on many occasions.  
The biggest fear I had -ironically- was to show my face. I've always been very insecure, and I was afraid that with the first video-call he'd have blocked me straight away (it happened in the past with a douchebag I met online, so I know what I'm talking about).  
Instead we spent almost 4 hours talking and laughing, as usual.  
And since then I became more confident with him: I also managed to go beyond my repulsion for taking a selfie, because for a shy problematic person like I was, even taking a stupid pic was a cause of anxiety.  
My smartphone vibrates so I unlock the screen: “Are you on your way?” It's a message from Lando.  
I quickly type: “I think I'm about to arrive, the traffic here is insane. I'll let you know as soon as I get off the taxi :)”  
Lando answers in a second “See you at the entrance :)”  
I'm smiling again. And I'm calmer, like every time I get a message from him.  
This trip is madness, but I'd do it again 100 times more.

The taxi stops in front of the main entrance for the teams. I pay my ride and accept the driver's help with my suitcase. I text to Lando and wait a minute, then I decide to imitate the people in front of me, letting the optical reader scan my pass. I get my temperature checked with an infrared thermometer and then I'm free to go.  
I take a look around but I have no clue where to go, and Lando isn't here. I have no notification on my smartphone, but I take the chance to change my Ffp2 mask with a normal face mask, so my glasses will finally stop fogging up.  
There are so many people around, even though it's Wednesday and the track activities will officially begin just tomorrow. I've been a couple times at Monaco Grand Prix in the past, but it's the first time I'm living Formula 1 so close.  
I'm about to send another message to Lando when I notice an orange spot in the crowd.  
I've never been a physiognomist person, but my sixth sense says that behind that orange mask there's Lando himself.  
I start walking instinctively towards him and soon I have my proof, I can see him smiling behind the fabric.  
He's looking at me, and I'm just able to say “Finally” smiling back.  
I'm honestly unsure if I can hug him or not. Because of the pandemic every team has so many health checks to do, so I'm a bit surprised when he holds my hand.  
“Come with me Alice, let's find a quiet place.”  
We walk for a couple of minutes, I'm lucky my suitcase has wheels.  
Lando opens a door and I realize we're in his room, there's a shelf full of blue and yellow helmets.  
“I'm so rude I didn't even help you with the luggage” He says while taking off the mask.  
“Don't worry, it has wheels” I answer removing my mask too.  
He gets close and hugs me, holding me tight “I wanted to do this before, but everyone is so oversensitive about physical contact.”  
He already knows I had my medical tests a couple of days ago, in order to travel safely.  
I let my head rest on his shoulder and all the stress and tiredness are suddenly gone “I'm just so happy to be here”, yet I can feel my eyes tearing up.  
Meeting someone in person after all this time spent online seems simply unreal.  
I'm trying to hide my feelings while we separate “I hope I didn't scare you, I must be a mess after such a long flight”  
“I saw you in more embarrassing moments, don't worry.”  
I remember when I fell asleep during a video-call, or when I took a selfie while I was taking my make-up off. He's right, he saw horrific things about me.  
“Take a seat, I have some time before my next meeting.”  
I take off my jacket and sit down on an armchair.  
“Was your flight good?”  
“Sure, never been in first class before. And about that... thank you. For the invitation, the trip, everything. You know I could afford it.”  
“I know, but I'm glad you let me do it.”  
It's so odd being in front of him, we spent months talking on the phone, video-calling and texting, but still seems a dream.  
“It's weird being here... I mean, weird in a good way” I'm trying to not creep him out.  
“Hey, just remember I'm always the idiot who shares with you stupid videos.”  
I know he's right, but my insecurities are always here. I'm about to answer when we hear a knock on the door. Lando wears his mask and I do the same. It's a member of his team “Lando, emergency meeting in 5 minutes” and rushes away, he seemed really worried.  
“I'm sorry, I thought we had more time to talk, but I have to hurry up... Can you wait me here? There's a bar on the other side, if you want something put it on my tab.”  
“I'm not going anywhere” I say, as he goes away.  
I take a look around in the room but then I prefer to sink back into the armchair, resting a bit. I check my social media, answer to a couple of e-mails and I even text to my dad to let him know I'm at the track.  
Lando comes back after 20 minutes, he seems really concerned.  
“Huston we have a problem, a big one too.”  
I instantly believe there was an accident, but he speaks again “One of our mechanic tested positive for Covid. We're withdrawing and going back to England, other teams are about to do the same, so I don't know what will happen with the race. Problem is we'll have to be quarantined for 2 weeks minimum” He pauses, never saw him so nervous “You can stay here, or you can come home with me.”  
I stare at him, because I'm not sure I understood his words “You mean like... staying at your place?”  
He nods. “I know it's madness, you just had a 26 hours flight... but I don't know what to do.”  
There's nothing for me in Australia, if the reason I came here for goes back to Europe.  
I breath deeply. “Alright, I'll stay at your place for the lockdown.”

Leaving Melbourne is a bit of a mess. We're lucky enough McLaren decided to dismantle everything before any other team, so we learn that the race was cancelled when we're already on our way back. Lando is visibly worried.  
I try to involve him in some stupid chat, but soon I understand he's not in the mood. So I prefer to take a look outside, and then I finally fall half-asleep, just like every time I'm on a plane: I simply can't get proper sleep. I'm not scared or anything, I like to close my eyes, just relax but I can hear whatever happens around me. This means I can hear Lando moving in the seat in front of mine, I listen him whispering over the phone and finally fall asleep, when his breathing becomes heavier.  
While my travelling companion is resting (he'll be like that for most of the flight, lucky him) I read some newspaper and have a snack, I even take some pics of the panorama outside.  
  
We land in England it's pitch dark, I can't even tell what time it is because I'm a mess with time zones.  
Soon we can leave the plane and Lando helps me with my suitcase. I smile to him with gratitude. He gets back his luggage and backpack too, so we can leave for the parking.  
We're lucky enough the registration process and the temperature check don't take long. Lando's car hasn't a very spacious trunk, since it's a spider, so we struggle a bit to fit everything in.  
When we can leave we wear our seatbelts “Is your home far?”  
“No, about 20 minutes away.” He turns on the radio, some lounge music fills up the space between us. There's almost no car around.  
“I'm really sorry for this mess, If I knew the risks I'd have never forced you to travel on the other side of the world...” He tenses up grasping the steering wheel. “I feel so guilty.”  
“Don't even say that. I'm glad you invited me.” I smile and try to distract him but he's still visibly anxious. “Hey,” I place my hand on his fingers, seems he's relaxing a bit now “It isn't your fault, believe me. I'll have my vacation anyway, here or Australia is the same. I wanted to spend some time with you, and that's it. Please don't be angry, neither with yourself.”  
He breathes in and out twice right before leaning over the seat, I think I convinced him. “Alright. I just hope I won't make you change your mind” Admits slightly smiling.  
Now the atmosphere is way different, I can recognize the guy I spent whole nights chatting wih.  
Suddenly we're in front of a metal gate, my driver uses a remote to open it and places the car on a gravel area.  
We empty the trunk and I let Lando guide me into the building “Welcome to my home”.  
It's a small one story house decorated with contemporary furniture. We walk in a spacious hall where there's a huge tv, from here I can see a beautiful modern kitchen. On the other side I see several doors, I suppose the sleeping area is there. “Come with me, I'll show you the way.” And he guides me into my room “So, this is the guest-room. You have a bathroom just for yourself right there. At the end of the corridor there's my room and the one with the simulators.”  
He shows me those rooms too. “This seems way bigger than it seems on Twitch” I consider taking a look. “I believe it's because of the camera angle.”  
“Might be that.” Seems he's about to say something else but changes his mind “Now I'll let you sleep in peace, you must be very tired. If you are thirsty or hungry you know where the kitchen is. We'll have to do some grocery shopping tomorrow.”  
“I just need a shower and a long sleep, still have to decide in which order.”  
“Have a good sleep” He comes closer, and hugs me “I'll never stop saying how happy I am you are here with me.”  
“And I'll never stop thanking you for making this possible” I'm hugging him back.  
When he closes the door I can hear his footsteps receding.  
Suddenly I can feel all the tiredness caused by the last hours, so I prefer to throw myself on the bed and have my shower later, because right now I could fall asleep under the water jet.  
I barely manage to put the blanket on, as I fall into a deep dreamless sleep.


	2. 2 - Pancakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First day at Lando's: also known as the day people get hungry (and Lando discovers "Money Heist").

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Here it is the second chapter. A bit of a transition one, but in a couple of chapters something big will happen (not gonna spoil anything!)  
> Thank you a lot for the kudos and the views, they really mean a lot!

When I wake up in the morning I need a whole minute to understand where I am. Saying that yesterday was chaotic is a big underestimation.  
I pluck up the courage to leave the bed and I reach the bathroom, a long shower will surely help me.  
And it does indeed. I blot rapidly my hair and take the mental note to ask Lando for an hair-dryer.  
When I get back into the bedroom I leave my bathrobe and wear comfy clothing: tracksuit bottoms, a tank top and a warm cardigan (brought with me almost by mistake since I was supposed to deal with the Australian weather).  
I check my phone and considering it's almost 10 AM (and I don't eat anything since snacking on the plane) I head to the kitchen to prepare breakfast.  
Lando isn't here, probably he's still sleeping.  
I remember to close some doors behind me, so I won't disturb him.  
“Surely he wasn't joking about being in need of grocery shopping.” Pantry and fridge are almost empty. I still can find basic ingredients, so I can prepare pancakes.  
I'm pretty good at cooking. Not a chef or anything, but cooking food for others makes me happy. More than cook for myself to be honest.  
I've just finished to bake the third pancake when Lando arrives “Mornin'” says with a sleepy voice.  
“Good morning” I answer laughing. It's impossible to keep a straight face. His hair are like a cloud, and the fact he keeps rubbing them it's not helpful at all.  
Lando sits at the counter and I place in front of him a plate with the pancakes “Do you want something else to eat with? Just tell me where I can find it.”  
“There's Nutella on that shelf.”  
I find the jar and I hand it out with a spoon.  
“I'm stealing your food, what a shame.”  
He makes me smile “Don't worry, I'm still plenty of dough.”  
I quickly cook the last pancakes and sit next to him, clearly I take a spoonful of cocoa spread too.  
“You could start eating, none taken.”  
“I was rude enough before, let me do at least one thing” answers taking the fork.  
He tastes the first cake and his eyes gets wider “This tastes awesome! The best I ever had.”  
“Really? I know it isn't true, but thank you” but when I taste the pancakes I have to admit they're delicious.  
“I'll be cheeky but I don't care: do you mind cooking during this lockdown? You know I burn everything I touch, except for chicken or salad.”  
“I'd be glad to do it.” And it's true. I like to cook, especially for the people I care about. “But we need to fill up this kitchen you know.”  
“McLaren booked Amazon deliveries for the whole quarantined team. We can order everything we need and get it tomorrow.”  
“Perfect! I'll write down a list later. Do you have a diet or a food plan to follow?”  
“I don't know at the moment... I have some papers by Jon next to the fridge.”  
I nod “I'll read them.”  
Our plates are empty by now, so I get up to load the dishwasher.  
“Let me do this.” Lando stops me, clearing the counter in seconds. “I have a couple of calls to do now... I'm sorry for leave you alone.”  
“Not a problem, I'll prepare the shopping list.”  
He goes back in his bedroom, while I begin to check every cupboard. It takes me almost 2 hours to write the list, because I don't know exactly where to look and we lack practically everything. Cleaning products, drinks, food. 

Given that Lando is still busy, I decide to turn on the tv. I launch the Netflix app but I don't feel like watching something new, so I click play on “La casa de papel”, precisely in Spanish with subtitles.  
Travel, read, watch tv series and follow football on pirate streaming made me learn many languages. Italian, English, French and Spanish.  
I'm half over the second episode when Lando comes back. He sinks into the couch snorting. “Oh my god, this was never-ending.”  
“Is there a problem?”  
“People are going crazy over this lockdown thing. I'm okay with that, but others are really going nuts.” His eyes fall on the tv “What are you watching?”  
“La Casa de Papel, Money Heist. Don't you know it?”  
“No.”  
I'm a bit offended but I can't show it. “Okay let's order the groceries and then we'll start from the beginning. It's exciting, you'll love this.”  
Placing the order doesn't take long, soon we're restarting the series, as a compromise we've chosen Spanish audio with English subs.  
Needless to say Money Heist captures Lando. We begin a small marathon that stops when it's dinner time, and just because his stomach begins to growl.  
“I'll prepare something, but you can keep watching. I can follow from the kitchen, and I've already watched it 3 times.”  
“Okay. All this Spanish made me wanna eat paella.”  
“I could cook that, but I have not the ingredients.”  
I take a look around and have to adapt: tonight the chef proposes the student pasta, with tuna.  
I'm lucky to find peeled tomatoes, garlic and some spice, maybe I can arrange something good. After all I'm satisfied. “It's ready!”  
Dinner is relaxed, Lando keeps congratulating me for what I cooked. It's very gratifying. He offers to clear the table again.  
“How about continue with Netflix?”  
You don't have to ask such a thing to a binge-watcher like me.

We agree to stop at the end of the first part, especially because Lando starts singing 'Bella ciao' at the top of his lungs, while standing on the couch. His pronunciation is awful, and he makes me laugh till I cry.  
“The Professor is a genius, he's my favourite” declares sitting down again.  
“I prefer Berlin. Even if he's a psychopath, I adore him.” I stretch yawning “I think I'll go to bed, I'm so tired.”  
I hug Lando and wish him goodnight with a kiss on his cheek.  
“Goodnight to you too.” He says smiling at me.


	3. 3 - The storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We find out Lando is scared of something else (but not pizza).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Third chapter, here we are. Things are getting... well we'll see, but they're definitely going somewhere.

I have no idea what time it is. I wake up abruptly while there's pouring rain outside. I believe I'm awake because of that, but then I hear a big thunder which makes my bed's headboard shake. I check my phone and I see it's 3.24, clearly I have any notification.  
I always loved storms. I can literally spend hours sat on my windowsill looking at thunderbolts and lightnings, or count the seconds between lightning and thunder to find out if a storm is getting closer.  
I don't know how much time I stay in front of the window, probably I look like a 6 years old child who sees her first snow.  
Right after the biggest thunder (the storm is almost upon here) I hear a light knock on the door. I have little doubt of who can be. “Yes?”  
Lando half-closes the door “Are you awake?”  
“You know I love storms.”  
I have just said this, as another thunder makes him swallow nervously “I wish I could say the same.”  
Lando is scared of many things, including big storms (at least if he's not driving a car, on there he could fight a dragon barehanded). Right now our age difference is very clear. I see him standing there rigid, rapidly breathing. He really seems a kid now.  
I trust my instinct and I move closer to him. I take his hand and let him lie down on the bed. I take place next to him, and hug his shoulders. I caress his hair, just like everyone does with a child who had a nightmare. He's relaxing a bit, but I can feel he tenses up at each thunder.  
The only solution I can think about is singing “When you hear the sound of thunder, don’t you get too scared. Just grab your thunder buddy, and say these magic words: fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick. You can’t get me thunder, because you’re just god’s farts.” And I end up with my most graceful raspberry.  
Lando stares at me like I've just said I'm a man. Then he bursts out laughing, finally ignoring the umpteenth thunder outside. “What the hell was that?”  
“Did you ever watch Ted?” He shakes his head “Son, you really need a cinematographic education. We'll take care of this during lockdown, don't worry.”  
The storm is moving away, thunders are way far.  
“Do you mind if I stay here?”  
“It's your home, you don't need my permission.”  
“You know what I mean...”  
“Stay.”  
I keep playing with his hair till I hear his breath getting heavier, as he falls asleep. I surrender to sleep too. 

The next day Lando is already awake when I open my eyes “Good morning” he says smiling.  
“Good morning” I grumble “Have you been up long?”  
“No, just a couple of minutes.”  
I get up stretching my legs and back. Fuck, I'm so old.  
Lando leaves the bed too and goes back into his room.  
Minutes later when I get into the kitchen he's already there typing on his phone.  
“Pancakes?” Asks me hopeful.  
“No more eggs, you have to wait tomorrow.”  
He does the saddest face ever, making me laugh again.  
I toast some bread for me, while Lando prefers a big bowl of cereal.  
“Today I have to work on the simulator. You can try it if you want.”  
“Sure, maybe later.”  
As always he loads the dishwasher.  
“I'll be in my room, but tell me when the delivery arrives so I can help you.”  
“I promise.”  
I keep myself busy for about an hour, then the doorbell rings.  
Like regulations say, the courier leaves all the bags in front of the door, we can't have any contacts. I can follow his actions over the video intercom, so as soon as he leaves I go out.  
My first intention was to not disturb Lando, but when I see the pavement invaded by about thirty bags I have to change my mind.  
It takes us much less time together, even placing everything.  
“You know, I was thinking to make pizza tonight.”  
“With chicken?” He asks hopeful.  
“Ok Lando, let's be clear. I won't ever cook chicken pizza. And if you dare add salad dressing I'll run away, I swear. You won't regret my pizza, don't worry.”  
“Less than 3 days living together and you already deny me food... what's the world coming to...”  
“Come on let me try your simulator... whatever track you want except Montecarlo, I couldn't finish it not even on my PlayStation”  
Driving on a simulator is bloody difficult, but also extremely entertaining. I'm a duffer at first, I forget to change gear (this happens also because my car has automatic transmission) and a couple times I make a wrong turn following the escape route. But then I'm great, if it was up to me I'd do it for hours.  
My stomach has other plans.  
I decide to prepare a Caesar salad to make up for the discussion we had before, I add a lot of dressing since Lando loves it so much.  
He eats it greedily, like me, despite I don't love salads particularly. 

After lunch I start kneading our pizzas, so the dough can rise.  
Lando has to make calls, while I turn on the tv on a newscast to have company.  
News are not good, the whole world is dealing with the pandemic. The reportage about pharmacies' problems make me feel guilty for not being at home. As soon as the dough is ready I call my parents, who confirm what the tv said. Despite that, my mum doesn't push me to come home, she actually seems pretty quiet I'm far enough from the confusion. It's the same thing my friends Alex and Giulia say to me, I call both of them after my parents.  
I spend the whole afternoon like this, between my social media and Netflix.  
When it's almost dinner time I put the pizzas in the oven. A margherita with double mozzarella and a ton of oregano for me, and for Lando a normal margherita I will add salami on when it's almost cooked.  
The smell summons the host “Please tell me it's almost ready, I'm starving.”  
“I was about to call you.”  
Lando brings out two cans of Coca-Cola (no beer for us, we're like kids about this) and I take out the pizzas paying attention to not burn myself.  
While he tastes the first slice I'm still fighting with my mozzarella going everywhere, and he makes a strange cry which it's not culinary at all, I'm getting weird thoughts about that. Just focus Alice, you're eating.  
“It's heavenly, you were right. Fuck chicken pizza.” As he completes the sentence he has finished the whole slice.  
I don't want to brag but he's right, this is really good. I mentally thank Alex who taught me her recipe.  
After dinner we decide to continue “Money Heist”, till we're both falling asleep.  
I struggle to reach the bed and I fall asleep right after my head touches the pillow.


	4. 4 - Walls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We accept the love we think we deserve." It's all there.

I get woken up by a light knock on the door, for a good moment I think I dreamt it.  
“Yeah?” I quietly ask, not expecting to get an answer anyway.  
The door opens up a bit and Lando sticks his head through the opening. “Are you awake?”  
“Do you need anything?” I'm confused, there isn't bad weather outside, I'm getting worried.  
Lando doesn't say anything and sneaks into my bed, hugging my torso.  
I remain speechless for a second and then I hug him back like last night. I'm pretty sure this is just a dream.  
He's still hugging me tight, when he looks up “I'm truly happy when I'm with you.”  
I'm about to answer 'me too' when he presses his lips on mine. I must be wild-eyed because he immediately moves away. “I'm sorry, I didn't...”  
“Don't worry.” I say while I'm looking up to the ceiling. I can feel my heart beating till inside my ears. Out of breath. My verbal diarrhoea by nervousness that's about to explode.  
“Do you know it was my first kiss?” I drop quietly, afraid he didn't even hear me.  
“I should apologize.”  
“No you don't. I'm happy it was you.”  
A long pause makes me suspect he's fallen asleep, but I'm wrong.  
“I know you're not comfortable with speaking about feelings, but I couldn't take it anymore. Especially after last night. Alice, I think I started liking you from a long time, even if I can't recall when it happened exactly. I fell in love with you little by little, without even realizing. Carlos made me open my eyes. When we were talking about our friendship he made me notice how much I was possessive about you. 'Could it be that you like her in another way?' Yet I have to understand if his words were a joke. Well fuck, he was right. You were my first thought in the morning, the last at night, I was dreaming about you, you were the first person I wanted to talk with. And I'm surprised you didn't notice. You're a good observer, and I'm not so good at hiding my feelings.” He makes a pause to take a break. “Maybe... You aren't into me like that, I'd understand.”  
He's staring at me. And I feel like an animal who's about to be run over by a truck. Stuck on the road. I hate talking about my feelings, I hate being pressured.  
But now it's like during an exam and the professor asks something you don't know. You have to try, at the risk of failing.  
“I... I don't know... I...” I swallow nervously and breath in. “I spent so many years of my life building up a wall in order to protect myself from a certain kind of feelings. I couldn't afford anything but one-sided loves, and it was like that until now.” I see him move and I understand he's about to go away “Please, wait.”  
But he's not listening to me, he's taking away the blanket. “Please don't, wait. FUCK, WAIT.”  
He freezes. It's very uncommon to hear me shout outside a stadium. My friends always say I'm scary when it happens. I hold his shirt. Close my eyes. Ad let it go.  
“I began following your social media as a joke, simply because you made me laugh. Then I started to realize the amazing person you are. And I was looking at you from afar, with the shy admiration someone uses with people you are sure you won't ever meet. I took part in that competition for fun, I really didn't think I could win. The night before speaking with you I couldn't sleep because of excitement. And I couldn't even sleep the night after, because I was 100% sure I'd have never heard you again. I ended that long message with a happy smile, but I was actually in tears. And then out of the blue we kept talking, I thought I was living in a dream. I tried to stay distant, but then that day happened. I had a huge fight with my parents and I spent the whole afternoon crying. You video-called me right after I sent an audio message in tears. And what did you do? You wore an absurd grass skirt, singing the hula song by Timon and Pumbaa. I never laugh so hard in my whole life. And that's it, I had a huge crush on you. But I couldn't allow it. I couldn't afford to lose your friendship for something that would be finished soon in a dead end. I simply couldn't.”  
I clench my fists, the one leant on bed stops a tear which falls inadvertently from my face.  
“When you spend your whole life repressing your feelings... you just do it. Have you ever watched 'The perks of being a wallflower'?” He shakes his head “The main character is being told a thing: we accept the love we think we deserve. And I... I'm convinced I don't deserve any kind of love, since when I was 11.”  
I look into his eyes and I'm sure I scared him way too much. “This means... you know who I am. But if you think I may be worth it... You'll have to be very patient.”  
He doesn't even let me finish the last word, he's kissing me again. This time I close my eyes and try to relax. I can feel him smiling against my lips and whispering “I was sure you were rejecting me.”  
“And when you came in here I was sure my pizza made you sick.”

-

The next morning I wake up cuddling Lando's torso. I stare at him breathing slowly, gazing the beauty marks of his young face. I can already tell he will be one of those who have a young face even when they're 50.  
“You can stare at me all you like, doesn't bother me.” Clearly he wasn't so asleep as I believed. I blush as I hide my face in his hip.  
He forces me to chin up “You're adorable when you are embarrassed” and kisses my forehead.  
And I'm totally on tilt.  
“I'd get up just for your pancakes” he declares.  
“Let me have a shower and I'll cook them, I have a promise to keep.”  
I leave the bed and while I take clean clothes I see Lando heading for his room. But before crossing the door he comes close to me and takes my hand to his mouth, kissing it “I'd want to come with you in the shower but I don't want to get ahead of myself” he laughs, my face is almost blue as I rush into the bathroom.

-

After breakfast (double portion of pancakes for Lando, plain toasted bread for me – the butterflies in my stomach wouldn't have borne anything else) Lando says he decided to go live on Twitch. “I was thinking... would you like to join me?”  
I lose an heartbeat “I don't think it's a good idea...”  
“They won't be mean. They pay a subscription to write, they wouldn't do that.”  
“I really dont' feel like... I'm not good in video.”  
“I don't want to force you, I won't say anything you don't want.”  
“I trust you... but what would they say seeing someone like me with you?”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Oh come on, look at me.” I point at my body “I don't know how you can even talk to someone looking like this...”  
“OH COME ON” this time he's the one leaving me staggered, he hits the kitchen counter too. “Is it so unbelievable to think someone could go over physical appearance for you? I'm not that sloppy!”  
I clench my fists till I see my knuckles become white.  
“It's not that I don't trust you. I don't trust others. One day I'll tell you about my past and you will understand.”  
He's waiting to see if I keep speaking but I don't.  
He gets close and hugs me letting me rest my face on his chest. “I'm sorry if I spoke up, I shouldn't have done that. You asked me to be patient, and I'll do that. Because you deserve it.”  
He kisses the top of my head and holds me even tighter. I do the same, relieved he got me.  
He lets me go after a minute, but before going to his pc he kisses the tip of my nose. “I'll be good.”  
“I'm sure of that.” I smile.

-

I don't feel like turning on the tv, so I decide to keep me entertained in the kitchen. I want to cook lasagna for lunch. When I'm still collecting the ingredients, I see a notification on my phone, Lando is live on Twitch. I ponder for a while and then I click play.  
“Let's wait more people to come, so I don't have to repeat things. You hear me fine?” He arranges lights and mic, turns down the curtain a bit. “So here we are... weird time for going live, I know. But that's it, I wanted to talk and answer some questions if I can. I immediately answer to the thing ten dozen people are asking: I'm feeling well. My swab is negative, I'm just in precautionary quarantine since when I came back in England. I have no symptoms, I keep myself busy and actually I'm enjoying my time at home. At least now I have an excuse that's socially accepted to do it." He's distracted by another question "What did I have for breakfast? I had the best pancakes of human history. Obviously I didn't cook them.” I see the chat going crazy, fuck.  
“Exactly, I'm not alone in this house. I'm with someone I can't talk you about. You just need to know she's spoiling me with food. No more burnt bread for me.” He falls silent for a while to try to read the questions, but it's impossible “I'm serious guys, I can't. It isn't up to me, you have to respect that. If you don't calm down I'll play something and ignore the comments.”  
After the last threat the feed seems slowing down. They ask Lando about the world situation, how he's keeping in touch with others, how McLaren organized everything. Finally I can relax and take care of my lasagna.  
The rest of the video luckily is very calm. Lando promises he'll do other lives during these weird days, thanks everyone and says goodbye.  
I'm checking the social media, and Lando's fan pages are obviously exploding. I'm lucky they have no clue about me. I'm still reading when Lando comes in smelling the air “What's this nice smell?”  
“I cooked lasagna.”  
“You're spoiling me” says kissing my cheek. 

-

We spend afternoon and evening watching Money Heist, Lando is totally in bliss by now. So much he decides to have dinner in front of the tv with warmed up lasagna.  
When it's time to go to bed he's about to wish me goodnight in front if my door, but I choose to stop him “Wait a second.”  
I wear rapidly my pajamas, pull my hair up and take my phone charger. It doesn't take long, Lando is still standing confused by the door “Let's go.”  
I take his hand and go into his room. Without even asking in which side he usually sleeps, I put the phone to charge and get underneath the blanket. He's staring at me, surprised by my initiative.  
“You don't have to feel obliged if you don't...”  
“Let me do it.” I'm going with my gut, and it's okay.  
He comes to bed and turn off the lights. He's holding me tight, and as always I plunge my face in his hip.  
I let some minutes pass, pretty certain he isn't sleeping yet. And I let off steam.  
“I was cute when I was a kid. Blonde, fine features. Almost anorexic because I didn't eat much, with the utmost despair of my parents. Then I started gaining weight when I was 7 or 8. And troubles began. Some bullies started bothering me. They used to follow me around, at school, I couldn't leave my house because they were always there to wait for me to come out. I didn't have many friends. And then when I was 11 my grandpa died. Suddenly. One day I was speaking with him on the phone and the next day he had a heart attack. I loved him so much. I got sick with depression. A lot. Jesus, 11 years old and I was already struggling with that. Then high school started. I hoped to integrate in there, but I had troubles again. At least I found a great friend, who supported me for 5 years. She made me meet other people, I spent my fourth year summer with them. One of the funniest I ever had. And then diploma exam. I focused on my studies, aiming to a 100 I'd have missed by a thread. Cherry on top my one and only friend would have spent the whole summer abroad. And last summer friends totally disappeared. So I spent 2 months locked in the house, literally. I got sick, again. I was so close to hurt myself. So fucking close. And other than that, I began having troubles with food. For 2 years. Years I went beyond all by myself, because I had to courage to tell someone just when I already succeeded. And then university arrived, I found new friends, so many crisis because of academic achievements, but also a lot of happiness when I started to attend stadium regularly. Even when my team was shit, when it was so cold I was about to lose my fingers, when I had to cancel plans to go, god I went to the stadium when I had fever and nausea too. In all of these moments I never had an exchanged love, no first kiss no other things. I learnt to know my body but I never respected nor loved it. I learnt to pretend I was good, always, alone. I learnt to build a wall around my heart, a wall you managed to tear down, just you. This is me. An insecure, fat girl who appreciates many small things just to pass the time but loving many few others, because I can't afford to look inside myself and fall into the emptiness left by years of silent suffering.”  
I have no idea how much I talked. I let go everything. And it was right.  
Lando is immobile, I'm afraid he fell asleep.  
Then he lifts my chin to make me look into his eyes. It's dark but moonshine is enough to see his eyes are shining.  
“I didn't mean to make you sad, I just wanted to...”  
“Shhh” he interrupts me “Please say no more. Now I know why you reacted like that today. I appreciate the trust you placed in me, I'm very touched and I'm still not sure I deserve it.”  
“You're the only one who really deserved it.”  
He kisses me. He kisses me and I understand he saved me this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't feel like spoil anything in the beginning eheh. This chapter was a bit long and hard to write for some aspects, but I really wanted to explain Alice's behaviour. Hope it wasn't boring though :)  
> P.s: I think I'll keep updating twice a week, on Monday and Thursday, just to let you know.


	5. Flashback 1 - The beginning of everything (L)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you ever were curious to know how Lando and Alice met, this is for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! This is the first of a bunch of chapters I wrote by Lando's point of view. It started as an experiment, but I had so much fun you'll read something like this again soon (actually next chapter is by Lando's pov).  
> Hope you like it :)
> 
> P.s: the character of Karen is inspired to Charlotte Sefton. I know she isn't Lando's assistant, but I decided this to simplify the plot. And in future there will be another Charlotte, so I didn't want to make a mess with names.

**_Woking, 8th December 2019_**  
It's Sunday and I'm heading to McLaren Technology Centre. I'm not exaggerating when I say I'd prefer to be anywhere else, rather than here.  
The championship finished a week ago, and I really wish I could say I'm satisfied of my results. But when you end up eleventh, scoring points in just half races and your best placement is a lousy sixth place... well, there's very little to be proud of.  
It was my first year as a F1 driver, maybe I should be more humble. But when your team-mate double your points... well fuck, it hurts.  
It also hurts when you have to spend time in your workplace while every other colleague is on vacation. And with colleague I don't mean just the drivers (already dispersed between Caribbean islands and Polynesian atolls) but also McLaren staff. The parking in Woking hasn't more than 10 cars.  
I cross the sliding doors and I wave at the girl in the reception desk, I always forget her name.  
I walk up the round staircase two by two and I knock on the second door on the right, a feminine voice invites me in. “Hi Karen.”  
“Hello dear, I'll be with you in a minute.” My assistant is resting her feet on the desk, a table occupied by a countless amount of documents. 5 minutes later she terminates the phone call which was keeping her busy. “I'm sorry for making you wait, but I had to close a contract before earning my vacation.”  
She sits back normal and takes a folder behind her “A couple of signings here and you can go.” I follow her indications, as always. I'd be lost without her.  
“One last thing.” She takes out an envelope from the drawer and hands it to me. “Here's the number of the girl who won last contest, the memes one.” Here we are, another thing I totally forgot.  
“She sent all the papers, I exchanged some emails with her and seems a nice girl. I explained to her that thing about the script the social guys wrote down, I suggest you to start with that. Send the screenshots like it's explained here and you're done.”  
I take the envelope and it's not like I'm huffing or anything, I just breath a bit deeper. Karen immediately understands how I feel, this woman knows me better than my mother “I know, you would like to enjoy your vacation. But it's a good thing, and this girl will surely love this. Put yourself in her shoes.”  
“You're right.” It's not that great effort anyway. At least a supporter will live an experience.  
We say good holidays to each other and I let her bring order in the documents scattered everywhere. 

-

When I arrive home, I make a sandwich for lunch and sit down in the porch. The sooner I start with this and the sooner it will be finished. I add the number to my contacts, I'm looking for her name in the documents Karen gave me. “Alice.” Nice name, I wonder where she comes from.  
I'm thinking about how I can begin this conversation. I don't want to be banal, but I really don't know what I'm supposed to say in things like these. I let my fingers flow over the virtual keyboard. “Hi, it's Lando here :)”  
She's online, I get an answer in a few seconds “How can I be sure it's you for real?”  
I beg you pardon? I should be the one with doubts, she could be one of those crazy fangirls who used to follow me till home. The only one thing protecting me is the non-disclosure agreement she signed. But it's okay, if she wants to play this game I'm in. I write down rapidly her number and name on a sheet of paper and I take a selfie I send to her adding the caption “Is this proof enough?”  
She immediately reads the message “And from now on my gaffes become international.”  
I burst out laughing, at least she's funny “If you like we could start with the script.”  
I hope she doesn't get it as an invite to hurry up with this. We copy word for word the short messages we were told, a task that doesn't take us more than ten minutes. I forward the screenshots to the address specified, and I think I could technically block her and never talk to her again. But I'm not such an asshole, come on. “So we got rid of the boring part.”  
“Well I'm not such a great conversationalist anyway, don't expect much.”  
“Your answer already proves me otherwise.”  
I wait for an answer for a pretty long while.  
“I don't know how to answer back.”  
I smile “Random question time: from how long do you support McLaren?”  
Banal question, but I felt like to ask that.  
“Am I to be honest?”  
I'm puzzled, I was expecting another kind of reply “Sure, this part of conversation will stay between us two.”  
“I started following Formula 1 when I was a child, but as a proper Italian I support Ferrari, I'm sorry.”  
Is she a ferrarista? “Why the hell did you took part to our contest then? Ahahah”  
I'm afraid I was too aggressive, but she caught me unawares. Anyway she doesn't seem to notice “Cheer doesn't prevent me to follow other drivers. You're a funny guy :) And I didn't really consider I could actually win.”  
It makes sense. As our conversation continues I learn many things about her. She is 26, working as a pharmacist, and lives in a small city in Northern Italy. I also gather she's a football fan, since she has the view of a stadium as profile picture on WhatsApp.  
“Why don't you have a photo of yourself as profile pic?” I hope my curiosity won't bother her.  
“That view is way better than my face, trust me.”  
Is she so shy? “You're exaggerating for sure, but it's not a problem for me :)”  
It's weird to not know her face, but I can accept that. In the end I'm just giving her an 'extra' to her prize, soon we won't ever speak again.  
We talk about anything and everything: sport, life, movies, music. I'm impressed by her spontaneity: she doesn't try to make an impression or anything, she's a simple random girl.  
I don't even realize the night comes, I notice the time when it's already past 2 AM. And Italy is one hour ahead too “You have to work tomorrow and I'm making you stay up late, you had to tell me!”  
“I wish I could say I'm used to stay up late, but truth is I want this day would never ends. Sounds pretty desperate right?”  
“Well we can say goodnight now and continue another day.”  
“Sure, like that's even possible. You were already kind enough to put up with me the whole day.”  
Put up with her? It was long ago I didn't feel so comfortable with someone I just met “I could say the same.”  
I'm waiting for her to reply, but my message remains read but unanswered. Or at least it's like that till the day after, when I wake up I have a notification: I got a message from Alice when it was 8 AM here, probably she was getting ready for work “I didn't mean to seem rude or anything, but I was honest when I said I didn't want this day to end. I wasn't ready to say goodnight, because I knew everything would end like this. Maybe you already blocked me, in this case I'm writing to nobody. Oh well, I ought you an explanation after all. It was a huge thrill having the chance to speak with you, and even if I support another team know that you have a new fan here :) I wish you the best of luck”  
I read her message 3 times before understand it clearly. In the end we spent a nice day together, why should I deprive me of a person like her in my life? You should never turn your back on a possible friendship.  
While I'm having a bowl of cereal I put together a text “Not everything ends up with a goodnight :) Good morning!”  
Can't wait for her to reply.


	6. Flashback 2 - The day we met (L)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's happening, it's happening for real." [...] "Breath Lando, just breath".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! New chapter by Lando's POV... hope you like it!  
> Next one will be again from his perspective, then Alice will come back.  
> Thanks again for all the views and kudos :)  
> P.s: just added Carlos in the tags, because from now on there will be some content about him eheh

Last night I didn't sleep well. It happens sometimes to me because of jet-lag, and because of excitement for the first race of the season. Other than that, things I should be used by now, there are two new variables more.  
First of all that damn pandemic from China, that's forcing us to wear a mask anywhere, take swabs almost every day, keep the distance from anyone, sanitize hands after each contact. It's a nuisance, but we have to pay attention.  
The second variable is the reason I leave the bed with an idiot smile on my face. Alice is about to land here in Melbourne. It's still hard to believe, too many things were about to go wrong.  
Her parents didn't take it too well, even if I don't know the details she told me climate was really tense for many days. Pandemic almost blew everything at the very last moment, like the results of her medical tests, luckily everything was okay.

While I'm going to the cafeteria I check my daily program. Wednesday, day of meetings, interviews and more meetings. I wish I could just drive, but I need to be patient.  
Tables are mostly empty, I identify Carlos' hair who's sitting alone. I take my tray and sit next to him.  
“Buenos dìas.”  
“Good morning.” I reply infusing a tea bag.  
“Did you sleep well?”  
“Not much, I'm nervous.” He knows Alice's about to come, I have to say he's proud of my move. At least he stopped beating me up. My life is definitely improved.  
“Don't be, you'll be great. She's flying for half of the world to meet you, it has to mean something.”  
His optimism cheers me up a bit, but I'm still being pensive “Maybe she just wanted to see Formula 1. Perhaps she didn't know how to refuse.”  
“Or maybe she's madly in love just like you and both of you are worrying about nothing.”  
I think about his words while I'm eating a muffin. I always try to be realistic about my possibilities, I know I'm not ugly and I had some experiences in the past. But Alice... she's incomprehensible most of the time.  
In this sense, relationships with models who are looking for fame are much easier. Some dinners, a couple of nights in bed together and everyone gets what they want.  
I have to take it nice and slow with her.  
“I'll leave you to your thoughts, I have an interview with Fox Sports. Keep me updated, heartbreaker.”  
He says goodbye with a pat on my back that almost crashes the cup of tea out of my hand. What were we saying about my life improving?

I spend the morning between garage and pit wall, in addition to a meeting with the whole team. Obviously I focus on my job, but I check the time whenever I can, waiting for the right moment to text her a message.  
After lunch I finally check online the arrival board of the airport, and I see her flight landed some minutes ago. I check her Instagram profile too, but the last story is still the one Alice shared before leaving in Milan. I wait for 20 minutes more, then I give up and text “Are you on your way?”  
I immediately get a reply “I think I'm about to arrive, the traffic here is insane. I'll let you know as soon as I get off the taxi :)”  
It's happening, it's happening for real. “See you at the entrance :)”

I leave my room when I receive another message, she's saying she's by the entrance. I rush outside trying to calm my heartbeat, but I made just a few steps out before having to come back: fucking hell, I forgot my mask.  
I wear it quickly and run outside again, I notice a couple of photographers but I don't get blocked by journalists or fans. I wish I could blend in with the crowd, but I'm wearing almost entirely orange clothes, it's physically impossible.  
When I reach the gates I see her right away. Wednesday is the day for professionals, everyone knows what to do or where to go. A person so lost and stuck in a crowd can be just Alice. She's fighting with her mask, probably to avoid her glasses to fog up.

Breath Lando, just breath. I immediately realize when she turns back and recognizes me, I see her walking closer.  
When we are in front of each other I freeze up, I don't know what to do anymore.  
“Finally” I get her voice soften by the surgical fabric almost like a sigh.  
I take her hand and decide to take her away “Come with me Alice, let's find a quiet place.”  
The minute I laid my eyes on her I felt my feet heavy as lead, now I just want to take her in a place I can know more about her. And a paddock full of meddlers is not.

We walk in my room and as soon as I close the door I can remove my mask “I'm so rude I didn't even help you with the luggage”  
“Don't worry, it has wheels” always friendly, always kind. She removes her mask too and similes to me. Okay, she's not the classic beauty and all you want, but god, those lips are like heaven to me. I wake up after a couple of seconds of distraction and I hug her, I hope she didn't notice “I wanted to do this before, but everyone is so oversensitive about physical contact.”  
Doing this on the open air would have attracted too many attentions, I can do this safely here. I embrace her, because it's the only thing I want to do for real right now.

“I'm just so happy to be here” Her words are like a caress to me. “I hope I didn't scare you, I must be a mess after such a long flight”  
It's obviously a lie “I saw you in more embarrassing moments, don't worry”  
I wish I could tell her she's beautiful even with messy hair, watery eyes and wrinkled clothes, but I'd make her uncomfortable. She hates being complimented, and to say that I would do nothing else. “Take a seat, we have some time before my next meeting. Was your flight good?” I have to break the ice somehow.  
“Sure, never been in first class before. And about that... thank you. For the invitation, the trip, everything. You know I could afford it.”  
“I know, but I'm glad you let me do it.”  
We discussed a lot about this money thing. She insisted to pay of her own pocket, because she considered this like a mere vacation. But I clung, in the end I was the one who asked her to fly till here, it wouldn't be fair.

“It's weird being here... I mean, weird in a good way”  
“Hey, just remember I'm always the idiot who shares with you stupid videos.”  
I don't want to make her uncomfortable in any way, self-mockery is always a guarantee.  
I'm about to continue when we're distracted by a knock on the door. We both wear back our masks and I open the door, it's Benjamin, one of Karen's assistant. “Lando, emergency meeting in 5 minutes.”  
It's not like him to be so shaken, I wonder what happened. “I'm sorry, I thought we had more time to talk but I have to hurry up... Can you wait me here? There's a bar on the other side, if you want something put it on my tab.”  
“I'm not going anywhere.”  
I smile and close the door behind me. Please, never leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think the next chapter will be about?  
> See you soon :)


	7. Flashback 3 - Could ever be... (L)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "She opens her mouth to tell something, but I follow my instinct and do what I've been waiting to do for 3 days, since when I saw her in that crowded paddock.  
> I kiss her."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! At first I thought just to finish this week with Lando's POV chapters, but then I decided I'll update three times a week (on Monday, Wednesday and Friday). It takes me a while to check each chapter, but I'm trying to get better and faster.   
> As I said, from the next one we'll go back in Alice shoes.  
> Enjoy the read :)  
> Ps: thanks again for all the kudos, views and comment, seeing those numbers growing is always a great emotion ♥

I have no clue what time it is. I'm tossing and turning in bed for too long. I immediately noticed how tired Alice was, but I knew she wouldn't have accepted to go to sleep before I asked her. So I pretended to be exhausted, but the problem is as soon as I go to bed I can't fall asleep. 

The screen of my phone says it's 2.15 AM, I try to watch some videos on YouTube but nothing catches my attention. I grumble while getting up. Being the quietest possible I decide to go to the kitchen to have some water. When I walk past the guest-room I slow down, but I can't hear anything.  
Of course, you dumbass, normal people are sleeping right now.

I check outside and I sadly note there's no storm tonight I can use as an excuse to disturb her. I place the empty glass in the sink and lean on the counter.  
It's the third day of our cohabitation and I haven't been able to talk to her yet. I was close to it so many times I'm ashamed of myself. At the track, in the car, last night in bed. Yesterday I totally lost my mind when she was caressing my hair. I didn't think she would have let me stay, not immediately at least. I wonder how I managed to fall asleep anyway. I felt her warmth, her smell, her touch and I went crazy. 

Between the dozens calls I had today I spoke with Carlos. I kept him up-to-date and obviously he insulted me because I didn't talk to her. I know he's right, but I was way too nervous.  
Like I am now. I grumble and decide to go back to my room, I'll play some video-games.  
However when I walk past her door, I knock. I don't even know why, my hand moved by itself and I realize what I did just later. I whisper “Do not answer, please, keep sleeping.”  
“Yeah?”  
Did I really hear it? Shit, I woke her up. I open the door and take a look inside “Are you awake?”  
Of course abominable twat, you're the one who knocked.  
“Do you need anything?”  
Yes, maybe a new brain could be useful. I stare at her for a while, trying to find something reasonable to say. But I can't. And since I made this far... I close the door behind me and sneak into bed, like yesterday. I hug her, it's the only thing I want to do right now. I feel her tense up, I must have confused her.  
“I'm truly happy when I'm with you.” These words slip through my lips and I get lost staring at her again. I can hear her heart beating like a crazy drum, just like mine. Did I scare her, or... Could ever be...

She opens her mouth to tell something, but I follow my instinct and do what I've been waiting to do for 3 days, since when I saw her in that crowded paddock.  
I kiss her.  
It's just a peck on the lips, I don't dare to go any further, I'm scared to death for a refusal. What if I misunderstood? When I move away I realize I could have done the biggest screw-up of my existence. “I'm sorry, I didn't...”  
“Don't worry.” She doesn't look at me but the fact I didn't get a slap on my face nor she didn't run away screaming, gives me hope. God, how I wish I could kiss her again.  
“Do you know it was my first kiss?”  
I can't say I'm surprised, but I sensed something by the fact she never told me about an ex, or an old love. Maybe I should have taken things slower. “I should apologize.”  
“No you don't. I'm happy it was you.”  
Okay. Okay, keep calm. Everything's good, breath. Fuck, it doesn't work. “I know you're not comfortable with speaking about feelings, but I couldn't take it anymore. Especially after last night. Alice, I think I started liking you from a long time, even if I can't recall when it happened exactly. I fell in love with you little by little, without even realizing. Carlos made me open my eyes. When we were talking about our friendship he made me notice how much I was possessive about you. 'Could it be that you like her in another way?' Yet I have to understand if his words were a joke. Well fuck, he was right. You were my first thought in the morning, the last at night, I was dreaming about you, you were the first person I wanted to speak with. And I'm surprised you didn't notice. You're a good observer, and I'm not so good at hiding my feelings. Maybe... You aren't into me like that, I'd understand.”  
I could die because of that, but I'd understand. What do you have to do with a kid like me? Because okay my job, but I still am a little boy. And my behaviour of last night does really prove that.  
“I... I don't know... I... I spent so many years of my life building up a wall in order to protect myself by a certain kind of feelings. I couldn't afford anything but one-sided loves, and it was like that until now.”  
Ok she's trying to find a nice way to reject me, it was nice while it lasted.  
“Please, wait.” I feel her hand on my arm but I can't stay, I have to go away “Please don't, wait. FUCK, WAIT.”  
As I hear her voice rising I freeze. Never happened before. She's the typical person who never shouts, but when it happens she nails you down.  
“I began following your social media as a joke, simply because you made me laugh. Then I started to realize the amazing person you are. And I was looking at you from afar, with the shy admiration someone uses with people you are sure you won't ever meet. I took part in that competition for fun, I really didn't think I could win. The night before speaking with you I couldn't sleep because of excitement. And I couldn't even sleep the night after, because I was 100% sure I'd never hear you again. I ended that long message with an happy smile, but I was actually in tears. And then out of the blue we kept talking, I thought I was living in a dream. I tried to stay distant, but then that day happened. I had a huge fight with my parents and I spent the whole afternoon crying. You video-called me right after I sent an audio message in tears. And what did you do? You wore an absurd grass skirt, singing the hula song by Timon and Pumbaa. I never laugh so much in my whole life. And that's it, I had a huge crush on you. But I couldn't allow it. I couldn't afford to lose your friendship for something that would be finished soon in a dead end. I simply couldn't.”  
I remember that afternoon like it was yesterday. I heard her message while I was coming home, she broke my heart. I can't remember if I already was in love with her, but I can clearly recall the pain I felt, the huge desire to hug her in that very second. And then I saw that grass skirt I got from an old theme party, and I put two and two together remembering a conversation about Lion King we had a couple of days before.  
Normally I wouldn't have done it, in the end we didn't know each other from a long time, someone untrustworthy could have put that clip online and make internet go crazy. But clearly she didn't do it. Nothing I shared with her never leaked. She even avoided commenting on my Twitch. I adore her for that too. As I adore her right now, because of a tear she's missing.  
“When you spend your whole life repressing your feelings... you just do it. Have you ever watched 'The perks of being a wallflower'? The main character is being told a thing: we accept the love we think we deserve. And I... I'm convinced I don't deserve any kind of love, since when I was 11.”  
My god, what happened to you to think such an horrible thing?  
“This means... you know who I am. But if you think I may be worth it... You'll have to be very patient.”  
For sure you're worth it. You are always worth it. I hope the kiss we're sharing in this instant is proving it to her. Even if I strongly suspect she does, by how she's reacting. She's more relaxed than before, and I am too. I finally can properly smile. “I was sure you were rejecting me”  
“And when you came in here I was sure my pizza made you sick.”


	8. 5 - Exposed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time to go public and tell to both families. It isn't easy as it sounds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! We're back with Alice... well the summary pretty explains what's happening here.  
> See you on Wednesday with the new chapter :)

We spend the next days following our weird but consolidated routine.  
Lando has many video-calls to do, phones to friends and family, he uses the simulator and often goes live on Twitch. He never asked me to participate again.  
I keep myself entertained with cooking, and I take advantage of the moments alone to talk with my family and friends. Together we devour movies and series.  
I never imagined to feel this good with someone. When I'm with Lando I feel like I don't need anything else, it's the first time it happens to me. He makes me have fun, makes me think that a bit of happiness can exist for me too. This happens especially with the small things: when he brushes against me, when we're in bed and he touches my hip. Until recently the mere physical contact was a problem for me. With him I feel like I have nothing to fear.  
“You never told me how you became such a great cook” asks Lando while he's eating the tiramisu I made.  
“I think it started as a control mechanism over food. But then I found out how much was relaxing and satisfying, and I had fun with it. But now I prefer to cook for others.” He looks at me confused. “I read a quote on a book once it said 'Love is when he is hungry and you feed him. Love is knowing when he is hungry.'”  
Lando makes a sly smile “This means you love me.”  
Ouch. I didn't consider this implication. I try to laugh despite the embarrassment. “Could be.”  
His smile becomes wider “In case you're wondering, I love you too.”  
He kisses me. And when I realize I said my first 'I love you' in an indirect way I'd like to sink through the floor because of shame. 

One of the most relaxing moments of the day is when we're in bed. Seems like the darkness of the night makes me more brave, so I can be way more confident.  
“You know, I was thinking... maybe I could participate to that Twitch thing after all.” It was a good whole day I was ruminating about that. Lando deserved it.  
He is really surprised, I believe he almost gave up. “Are you serious?” He's enthusiast.  
“Yeah but on one condition. I want to tell my parents. Tell them about us. I don't want my mum to find out by accident reading online gossip.”

This is why I'm here now, waiting for a video-call by my parents to start. I hope they got how to do, considering their aversion for technology. Useless to say I'm nervous, like you can tell by the continuous motion of my right leg.  
Lando takes my hand and kisses it “I'm here with you.” I smile.  
Finally I see my parents' faces, who are fighting about the camera position.  
“Ohi, here you are.” Seems like I haven't seen them in ages, when in reality it's just 12 days.  
We speak about anything and everything, and it's a bit hard for me, since I have to speak with them in Italian but at the same time I'm trying to involve Lando translating what we are saying.  
“Have you already booked the return flight? I hope you won't have troubles because of lockdown.” Asks my father.  
“This is what I wanted to talk about” I try to build up my courage breathing in deeply. Lando looks at me and is holding my hand under the table. “I'm not coming back.”  
My father's jaw tenses, my mother is unflappable. “Not definitively. Just for now.” And then I drop the bomb. “Me and Lando fell in love.”  
Silence is heavy as a rock, I'm afraid my father is about to have a stroke, he even leaves the frame. My mother after a first moment of confusion is smiling happily. “I'm so happy for both of you. For real. Don't worry about dad, I'll deal with him.”  
I believe at this point she had lost all her hopes to see me end up with someone. Like me, by the way.  
After some sweet-talk we finish our call, we promise to see again as often as possible. I close the laptop and let go a deep sigh of relief.  
“I think your dad hates me.”  
“He'll get over it.” I reply leaning my head on his shoulder. Sooner or later he'll know my father has a gun license. 

The same evening Lando announces the fateful live on Twitch. He's obviously calm, while I'm trying to do something with the way I look. I wear a black McLaren t-shirt and a pair of jeans. I pull up my hair and add some make-up. I'm nervous. A lot. For a long moment I think about giving up. But then Lando takes my hand and kisses the back of it, like he does at least 10 times a day. And when he does it, dammit, I can deal with anything.  
“At the risk of sounding old as my grandma I have to ask: how can I tell when we're live?”  
“When the green light is on.”  
“But it's on”  
“Exactly.”  
Alright. “I just humiliated myself worldwide, okay.”  
He laughs seeing my pout “We're a few people right now. Here” he's pointing at a number in the corner of the screen that is growing up quickly “you can see how many people are watching us.”  
“Okay. Wow.”  
Lando arranges a lamp and move back the microphone.  
“Well, I think we can begin. Hi everyone.” I'm weaving, I just hope I don't look like that meme of Forrest Gump. “As you can see I'm not alone.” I get distracted for a moment by the comments (a thing that Lando recommended me to not do, especially in the beginning). “You should introduce yourself, honey.”  
“What?” I stare at him confused “Ah right. Hi everyone, I'm Alice.”  
I don't know what to say, what the hell.  
“Ok, since she's ashamed of that, I'm the one who'll speak. She's the person I told you about in the first live of the lockdown. And yes, she's my girlfriend.”  
Comments go crazy, feed is just a continuous streak of lines, I couldn't follow it even if I'd like to.  
“Calm down or we can't read anything.” We wait for a while but the mess doesn't slow down. “You talk, they aren't paying attention to me.”  
I swallow and collect all the bravery I can. “I'm Italian. But I can also speak English, French and Spanish. I like cooking, writing, and clearly humiliating myself worldwide to satisfy this fool here” I say nodding at Lando.  
“Well thanks, you're always so kind” He laughs.  
“It's your channel, why I have to be the one speaking?”  
“They hear me almost every day...”  
We fight for a while, and as we keep doing it I realize two things: first, I'm getting calmer (and also the comments are, at least now they are legible) and second, I'm 100% sure Lando did that on purpose, to calm me down.  
“Alright, you can read some questions now or we'll end up beating up, and that isn't exactly nice.”  
I roll my eyes, and read the first question I can find.  
“Me and Lando met thanks to a McLaren contest. I won and we started talking.”  
“And we never stopped.”  
“Are you saying I'm a verbose person?”  
“No, I'm saying that about myself. You're the most silent person I know.”  
I shake my head. “What did we eat tonight? Mushroom risotto.”  
“A great mushroom risotto, let me say.”  
“ _Paraculo_ ” this word slips out in Italian, my compatriots laugh out loud in the comments.  
The night continues with some little shows.  
“I have to confess, F1 is not the first sport I started following, but football. I go to the stadium as often as I can. Have you ever been to a football match?”  
“Not in person, I sometimes follow Real Madrid in tv with Carlos.”  
I try my best intimidating look “We'll talk again about that after the lockdown.”  
“Is that a threat?”  
“Absolutely it is.”  
Between the amount of questions I can sense some insults.  
'Where did he find this ugly thing?'  
'Lando is crazy to stay with an elephant.'  
I can't even be upset, because Lando immediately block them. I don't get perturbed, but under the table I hold his hand he never left from the beginning, as a sign of gratitude.  
“Yeah I tried the simulator a couple of times. How did I do?”  
“At first you sucked.”  
“And that was my impression too. But I'm getting better now.”  
“It's true” and he kisses my temple. My heart goes up into my throat and I nervously smile.  
Questions are slowing down and getting repetitive, it's time to close the live.  
We say goodbye and Lando turns off the pc.  
“How did I go?”  
“You were so good, you're a natural-born streamer.”  
“ _Paraculo_ ”  
“What the hell does it mean?” He asks while going into our bedroom.  
“It's like smart-ass, but in a funny way.” He's still laughing when we go to bed.  
“Can I be your personal _paraculo_?”  
“It would be a privilege and an honour” I reply kissing the side of his mouth.

The next day Lando decides to pay me back in kind and introduce me to his family. I immediately notice his parents are better with technology than mine, so we end up doing a proper video-conference between us two, his parents, his younger sisters (Flo and Cisca) from their rooms and Oliver, the older brother, from his own house. They're a bit muddler but their fondness shows where Lando got his character from.  
Oliver is the first one to go, because he has a business call to answer, same with Adam (nice like everyone else, but I honestly am a bit intimidated by him).  
Lando's mother instead, asks for a weird thing: “Guys, could you leave me alone with Alice? I'd like to speak with her in private.”  
I'm breaking into a cold sweat. Lando gets up but is looking at me from the kitchen, he's supporting me with his gaze.  
As soon as the conversations with the daughters are closed, Cisca smiles: “Oh dear, please breath, I don't want you to have a stroke.”  
Okay, she doesn't seem angry with me because I stole her younger son.  
“I just want to speak eye-to-eye as much as possible, I want to know you.”  
“I'm sorry but it's the first time this happens to me and I'm in difficulty.”  
“I'm trying to understand if you are serious or if you're looking for fame and money, forgive me if I'm being blunt but we're scared to end up by legal means...”  
Perfect, she believes I'm a gold digger. “You don't have to worry about that. Obviously I'm not one of those models hanging out in the paddock, I can swear it on the bible.”  
She smiles. “It isn't just that. You know, Adam is very in sight because of money...”  
I try to make order in all the things I want to say “I'll be honest, I know Lando paid all my spendings. But the first thing I told him is I could afford everything. My family is wealthy, we're not on your level evidently, but we never starved. We always worked with passion, and we are here thanks to my father's sacrifices and my mother's teachings.” I breath in to stay calm. “I don't know how much money Lando has, nor all of you. But your son makes me happy, makes me a better person. He helped me during many hard times, being close to me like nobody else did, and I just hope to be able to do the same one day. Being here for him would be a privilege.”  
Lando is smiling at me, his mother seems impressed. “Yeah, you're a serious girl, my first impression was right. And you'll finally feed that troublemaker, I didn't grow him so well from that point of view.”  
I'm joyful, I'm sure I won a small battle, both personal and against Norris' family.


	9. 6 - Courage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hotter and hornets, we have both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Just to let you know, from now on the story will be rated as "mature".  
> I tried to get out of my comfort zone writing this kind of stuff: it was hard, I'm a bit ashamed of myself to be honest.  
> But... I really wanted to give it a try.

The only downside of cohabitation is that, after all, I never lived with anyone (beside my parents). For a few years now, I live on my own in my family house, so I'm used to have around just my dog.  
For Lando is different, given that he was so young when he left his parents' house, and lived with some of his friends for a while (I saw an interview on YouTube about that).  
This is why in the beginning we have a couple of embarrassing accidents. Or at least they are for me.

One day Lando walked into the bedroom without me noticing, because I was drying my hair upside down (I always do that, to keep my hair wavy). He sat on the bed to talk to me, and when I saw him I got scared by surprise and the bathrobe I was wearing opened up almost entirely. I tried to cover up my underwear in plain sight, I had no idea if I was successful. Lando immediately got my shame and didn't comment, but I saw him blushing.

The second gaffe is mine. I was watching the news when I heard Lando's phone vibrating, his mum's number lighted up the screen. Obviously I didn't answer, he'd have taken care of that after the shower. Vibration stopped, but resumed after a short while: must be something important. I took the phone and walked into bedroom, I could still hear water flowing from the shower. I knocked on the door, Lando heard me and turned off the water “Yeah?”  
“Your mum's on the phone, she called twice already, I think it's urgent.”  
I waited for a reasonable amount of time, I believed he had already worn a bathrobe or something when I opened the door. On the contrary I found him still inside the shower, his hair soaked and waterdrops falling everywhere. His upper body was appearing from the glass door, and that's way too much for me to handle. If glass wasn't covered in steam I could see Lando naked.  
_Alice don't look there, don't look there, don't look there._  
“Yeah okay... uhm... I leave the phone here. Call her.” And I ran away slamming the door.  
I went back into the living-room but I was having some troubles focusing back on tv.  
Sooner or later I'd have made peace with myself about that nudity thing, but that wasn't the day. I was lucky Lando didn't comment my reaction. I was so grateful for that.

-

I'd like to say days are passing slowly in Woking, but truth is they don't just flow, they literally fly. When I realize it's passed a month I can't fathom it. I say that to Lando too while I'm leaning my chin on his chest.  
Our chat before sleeping, my favourite part of the day. Lando is caressing my hair, I'm in heaven.  
“I honestly believed you would have run away after some days, I know how to be annoying when I work hard.” He's smiling.  
“And I was sure you would have kicked me out after two days.”  
“Are you joking? With all the delicacies you cook you'll have to use force, I'll risk a charge for kidnapping if I must.”  
I kiss him laughing, a kiss that quickly becomes deeper. His hands are everywhere, I feel them like lava on my skin.  
My hands are already under his shirt, I'm not thinking anymore. He lifts his back to let me take off his shirt, during that brief moment I'm already short of breath. Even in semi-darkness he's the most beautiful view I've ever seen.  
“God, you're so handsome, and I'm just so...”  
In response he takes my hand and places it on his crotch, he's already hard.  
“This is what you do to me...” He says with a raw voice. Seconds later I'm rubbing him over the thin fabric, we're kissing again like our lives would depend on it.  
I flinch when he takes off my shirt and begins lowering my shorts.  
“Wait... wait...” I sit on the edge of the bed and let my fingers flow through my hair, I'm panicking.  
He leans on his elbows and stares at me. I can't tell if he's annoyed. “If you're not ready we can wait...”  
I think I never loved him more than I'm doing now. I turn my back and keep looking at him. His lightly ripped body, worse-than-ever messed up hair, darker and swollen lips.  
He's just so beautiful.  
I get up, Lando sighs and lets his head drop on the pillow, he's sure I'm going away.  
Instead I slowly drop my shorts and panties.  
“I am this. I can't hide anymore. I won't do it anymore.”  
He reaches the edge of the bed and begins kissing me: face, shoulders, breasts, belly-button, mons pubis.  
I lay down and drag Lando with me.  
We make love under the moonlight, slowly and gently. My own anxieties are wiped out by his touch, his attention, his asking if I feel any pain or discomfort.  
I love him, I love him so much for all of this. 

-

Days later I'm answering to an e-mail, when I'm interrupted by a blood-curdling scream coming from Lando's game room. I rush, terrified a disaster happened, and I find him slumped over his door, his eyes are wide open.  
“Oh my god what's happening? Shall I call an ambulance? Or police?”  
He gets up unsure and half-opens the door “Look at the wall behind the monitors.”  
At first I can't see nothing wrong, but then I note two small black figures slowly climbing the wall.  
“I think they're hornets.” I declare.  
“They are two fucking spaceships, that's what they are.” Okay, we just found out that, among other one thousand things, Lando is scared of wasps.  
“I'll handle this.” I say calmly. In reality I'm not calm at all, but he's shaken enough for both of us.  
In the kitchen I take two big glasses and some paper sheets. I give the second ones to Lando. “Now I go in, I'll call you when you can come” He swallows hard “I'll say it just when it's safe, don't worry.”  
He nods unconvinced. And I go into Ace Ventura mode.  
I check the door is closed properly behind me and I take a look at the two bugs: luckily they are close to each other, this will make things easier for me.  
Breathe in, breathe out. And with a single movement I trap the hornets into the glasses, I use my weight to keep the two traps against the wall.  
“Come in Lando, I got them.”  
He opens the door a bit, scared I'm joking. When he sees me, he comes closer. “What can I do?”  
“Hold one of the glasses, and don't leave it for anything in the world.”  
He does as I said, while the hornet in the glass I'm grasping moves deeply. This is even better.  
“Now give me one of the sheets please.” I take it, and lifting the glass for half a millimetre I let the paper slip under that. This way I can move the glass and go outside.  
Since I'm scared for the insect to attack me, I throw the glass in the middle of the grass (so it won't break) and run again inside.  
I repeat the same operation with the other glass, paying attention to not clash the glasses on each other.  
I end up my work closing the window “We must buy an insect screen for this one.”  
Lando is seated on his gaming chair, his shoulders are low.  
“I'm just a coward boy.”  
“Don't be too hard on yourself, everyone is scared of something. If they were spiders in this moment I'd be on the first flight home after setting fire to the house.”  
“How can you be with someone who can't even deal with this?”  
He's really in a bad mood, and yet he's so lovely.  
I kneel down in front of him and hug him “I love you because of other reasons.”  
“I'd be glad to know which ones.”  
“Your infectious laugh, optimism, generosity, kindness, your big...” I let my hand slip over his fly “... determination.”  
I'm moving my hand and his breath becomes deeper even before I give him attention with my mouth. I learned what he likes by now.  
He reaches the maximum pleasure with a small shout, I'm getting up to clean my knees while Lando fixes himself up.  
“Oh crap...” exclaims looking at the screen still on “I was speaking with Matt before, he must have heard everything.”  
I go pale. I watch him grabbing the phone, he calls Matt. The speakers are loud, I hear his words too “Before saying anything, know that I closed everything when you started talking depressed, I didn't hear anything else.”  
What a giant stroke of luck.

-

Another night, another conversation before sleeping, other laughs, other confessions.  
“Random question” asks Lando “who's the most beautiful driver in F1?”  
“In general or currently?”  
“Does it make any difference?”  
“In the first case I'd say Rosberg. For the second I don't know... Leclerc?”  
“You didn't even try to say my name, I'm so offended.”  
I roll my eyes “That was implied”  
“So let me understand” he says kissing my neck “If you'd find out Nico in your bed, you wouldn't hesitate?” He has reached my left nipple, I'm already panting.  
“Who?” I can't even remember who he's talking about “You are... much better”  
He keeps going lower and lower.  
And while he's taking off my shorts he whispers “And what if you'd find Charles?”  
I scream my lungs out when he licks my most sensible spot, and before losing my mind because of pleasure I remember clearly I yelled “Fuck you Leclerc!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. If you feel embarassed, know that I feel the same (but 100 times more than you do).  
> Hope you liked the part about the hornets, I had so much fun writing that.  
> Random fun fact: at first this chapter should have been structured differently, and the title should have been "Fuck you Leclerc!". But then I changed my mind (poor Charles didn't deserved that).


	10. 7 - The real world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What will happen now that Alice has to go home?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! Shorter chapter than usual, but big stuff is happening in the next one, I had to cut somewhere.

I'm living in England for a little more than 2 months, when Lando receives the new McLaren test schedule.  
It's time for us to go back into the real world.  
“I have to leave in two weeks, for the tests.” I can see he's excited, he really wants to go back onto the track. “And I have to spend some days in the headquarters, for swabs, physical tests, etc.”  
I look at him and I know the time has come for me to go back to Italy.  
“I'll leave in a couple of days, so you can get ready.”  
“I wish you could come with me.”  
“It's alright” I wish I could smile to reassure him, but my eyes start tearing up against my will.  
“Please... you can stay here if you want, it's your home by now.”  
“No, no. I have to get back to my family. And this will be just for a while.”  
Biggest problem is we don't actually know how long will be this 'while'. Fucking pandemic.  
Our goodbye in the airport is the most painful experience I had to face in my life.  
I know I'm doing the right thing, I'm sure of it, but I suffer. Lando holds me tight till the very last moment, he lets me go just when I'm about to miss my flight.  
“I love you more than anything.”  
“More than my own life” and I kiss him. I wear my mask and walk trough the gate.  
I turn my head back for a second, Lando is making the sign of an heart with his fingers.  
Lord, give me the strength. 

-

Getting back to the old routine is awfully hard. The first two weeks are the hardest, both because I'm forced to do another quarantine all alone, and also because I keep checking the photo-gallery on my phone just to remember myself the last months weren't a dream.  
Lando calls me or texts every time he has a spare moment, depending on his tasks.  
One afternoon he introduces me to Carlos during a video-call, I impress positively his team-mate since I speak Spanish.  
“So you're the loose cannon who was making this kid go crazy, he was always with the phone in his hands _tictictic_ texting.”  
“Yeah I am, or _por lo menos lo espero!_ ” I smile. (*at least I hope so)  
“Aaah _me gusta esa chica_ , I already told you.” He's hitting Lando with the elbow “Did you know the great news?” (*I like this girl)  
I'm confused.  
“Amigo just tell her, I want to see her face” insists Carlos.  
“Yeah right... I spoke with Karen, my assistant, and she gave me a pass for you. Pack your bags for Austria, we'll see again in two weeks.”  
Although I'm at work, in a quiet corner, I scream for excitement so much I scare everyone here.  
“I'm sorry” I mutter walking out from the backdoor.  
“I wanted to wait tonight to tell you, not when you're working...” He punches Carlos' shoulder because he spoiled the surprise.  
“I'm so happy... how does it work? When should I leave? And what about the hotel? My god I can't believe it...”  
“Calm down, honey. On Thursday would be perfect, so you can settle and take all the medical tests. About the rest, you know the schedule. I'll take care of the hotel, there's a nice place next to the track.”  
“I can't wait.”

-

The days I wait before leaving for Austria seem to last twice normal. My job keeps me busy most of the time, I try to bend over backwards until I can.  
I was expecting big lectures by my parents, aimed particularly to hold me in Italy as much as possible, especially by my mum.  
My father has always been the reserved one, the one that if has to tell you something he does it through a third party. And just after pondering it for several days.  
On the contrary my mum accepts my departure as a matter of fact. I was really afraid she wanted to prevent me leaving (even if I'm not a child anymore), but my feeling is she's letting me go with the secret hope for this craziness to end, sooner or later. I realize this especially when I can feel her gaze on myself, while I'm smiling for some stupid thing Lando texted me.  
I'm considering to talk to her, when I see a video-call by him coming in. I click on the green icon while I'm in my usual quiet corner, and I see both Lando and Carlos on the screen.  
“Every time I'm trying to have a minute alone with you this one is always in the way.”  
The Brit makes me smile “Seems he missed you a lot during the lockdown.”  
While Lando is grumbling Carlos supports me “It's exactly that! And to keep the passion high, god knows what you'd end up to do if I'd leave you alone”  
I become red as an apple, making both my interlocutors laugh.  
We chat for a while, sometimes I take a look if I'm needed on work.  
“Hey, who's that beautiful woman behind you?” Asks the Spaniard interrupting me.  
“Carlos... she's my mother.” She doesn't speak English, but gets the last word and turns to stare at me. “Be nice, she doesn't speak English.”  
“ _Allora menomale che parlo uno poco de italiano, buongiorno signora_ ” (sort of *Well we're lucky I speak a bit of Italian, good morning ma'am) I feel so embarrassed, my mother probably believes I have to deal with nuts (her frowning glance confirms that).  
In response Lando shoves Carlos down on the floor.  
“I'm really sorry. I'm never calling you again while he's with me”  
“No problem. After all we're going to meet again in 4 days.” It's what I keep repeating myself every morning, like a mantra.  
“Feels like a lifetime.”  
“Me too.”


	11. 8 - Austria (Round 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2020 F1 season is starting again in Austria. And after the race Alice meets someone y'all know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Big chapter here, both because of the length and what will happen... you'll see ;)  
> Just a couple of quick notes: first race will be pretty similar to reality, but the next ones... well, I'll explain chapter by chapter (I didn't mean to spoil, but I had to tell that).  
> In this story Covid will be present just with a first wave (we all wish this really happened, right?).

Same as the last time I reach the track by taxi, I use the pass to walk over the barrier, and after the temperature check I wait for Lando.  
There're way less people than Australia, not everyone can be here because of Covid restrictions.  
In a couple of minutes I glimpse him and start running, dragging the suitcase behind me. I bury my face in his chest and hold him tight like I never did before. “God, how much I missed you” I say inhaling his smell.  
“I missed you too, come with me, I have to take off that mask”  
He grabs my hand and guides me in his private room. He hasn't closed the door yet that I've taken off my mask, like he immediately does, and kisses me.  
Finally I can find again my place in the world, next to him.  
I can't even tell how much time we spend eye to eye, getting lost in our gazes that after more than a month haven't a screen between anymore.  
“Now I have a meeting, but it shouldn't take long. Hardest part of the job will start tomorrow. As soon as I finish I'll introduce you to Karen, who'll take care of the swab.” I already knew this, protocols are very strict and I'm really lucky I can be here.  
“Alright, I'll wait for you here.”  
I spend my time alone checking my social media, which changed a lot recently, especially Instagram. My followers grew 100 times more since the first live on Twitch with Lando, and this intimidates me a bit. The vast majority of Lando's fan-pages treats me with respect and courtesy, actually they protect me from those crazy fangirls who bully me in so many ways.  
Someone managed to take a pic of our last encounter, a photo is spreading everywhere by now.  
I'll never get used to this.  
Lando comes back after about an hour, he's with a blonde woman in her 40s who has a friendly smile.  
“Nice to meet you, I'm Karen, Lando's assistant. Can I shake your hand?”  
“I just sanitize them, I'm trying to pay as much attention as possible.”  
She takes the swab (it's not enjoyable, but takes just a little time and anyway I have to get used to it if I want to follow Lando) and says the result will be ready by tomorrow morning.  
After this duty we have a free afternoon. While Lando is collecting all his stuff to leave for the hotel, the door opens wide abruptly.  
“AHA! Oh no, you weren't flirting. What a pity, I had my phone ready” Carlos is making me laugh more than I should.  
“Finally we meet in person, it's a pleasure” I say smiling to him.  
“Don't you dare doing this again” bursts out Lando while he keeps filling up his bag.  
“Oh come on, a little humour... are you already leaving?”  
“Yeah, we have stuff to do.” He's got everything he needs, wears his mask and takes my hand “See you tomorrow Carlos” the Spaniard walks out with us.  
“Be sure to not make too much noise, I have the room next to your's.”  
Needless to say I'm almost purple because of embarrassment. 

-

The next day we walk into the paddock right after breakfast, where we receive confirmation of the negativity of our swabs. Lando leaves me with Karen, so he can get ready for the first free practice.  
“Is your first time here, I mean following live Formula 1?”  
“I've been to Monza and Monaco races. Never from the box by the way, I'm very excited.” And it's true. “Indeed I want to thank all of you for making this possible, I'm not taking it for granted. I want to bother you the least possible, I know you're working here, I don't want to obstacle you in any way.”  
“Thank you, we really appreciate that. Usually drivers' girlfriends are the most annoying people ever. They take photos when or where they can't, selfies everywhere, inopportune questions. Having here someone different is a relief for us.”  
We walk into the garage and Karen lets me sit in the hall where I'd have followed free practice and qualifying rounds. For the race I'd have found a place right into the box itself.  
The first two rounds of free practice pass in a flash, watching the whole team at work is an amazing experience. An agreement of motions which fits together perfectly, everything with the purpose to let Lando run safely and as fast as possible. I wish I could say I'm bored while I wait Lando coming back from the myriad of meetings he has to attend, but truth is breathing paddock's air excites me more than expected.

-

Saturday. Day of third session of free practice and qualifying. Lando walks into the paddock in the early morning, while I prefer to arrive at launch time. I follow the three round of qualifying from my usual room. They are very tough, but Lando gets a great fourth place. When he comes back he's pretty satisfied, just like the rest of the team.

-

To an untrained eye, the preparation of a F1 garage for a race seems just a thing: total panic. But now that I've learned how to look around, I'm able to catch the perfectly trained movements of each team-mate. They could do this with eyes closed. There's no more words than needed, no person who doesn't know what's precisely doing.  
Everything is very poetic, even if I can't properly appreciate that because I'm very distressed. Lando is by my side, he's already wearing his blue and orange suit. He tries to let some tension go, doing some exercise to relax his neck's muscles.  
The last thing he does before wearing his helmet is hugging me. I hold him tight and whisper “Be careful. And drive fast. I'm here.”  
He confidently nods and kisses me rapidly on my cheek.  
As soon as he leaves on his car to reach the starting grid, I hide away in the corner I was assigned. We're close to 15.10 and my legs shake nervously.  
One of the mechanics comes closer and smiles to me “It will be alright, we did a good job.” Takes a can of Coca-Cola for himself and hands me out a can of iced tea “Drink up, and relax.”  
“I'm afraid to disturb you.”  
“In that case we'll let you know” he smiles encouraging while he opens the can “I'm Michael by the way, cheer up.”  
“I'm Alice, nice to meet you”  
“Yeah we know you. It's nice to have you here, Lando worked really hard this week.”  
Maybe he's about to add something else, but the signal to free the pit-lane calls him to order. He says goodbye and immediately Karen arrives, she'll follow the race with me.  
The red lights turn on, and then switch off. Go.  
Lando starts well, he manages to keep his position despite Albon, Perez and Leclerc try their best to overtake him.  
I'm living these moments with my eyes wide open, stuck on my chair.  
I realize Karen is talking to me just when she touches my back.  
“Sweetie, you have to relax or you won't make it alive till the end of the race. Just breath.”  
Seems a joke, but it isn't: I didn't realize I was holding my breath.  
I nod unconvinced and try to calm down taking a sip from the tea Michael gave me.  
The race is exciting (or at least it is if you have no beloved taking part to it), interrupted by two safety cars (for nothing serious luckily) and clearly by pit-stops.  
I wish I could say I saw Lando during the change of tyres, but truth is it happens too fast. The mechanics are amazing.  
With three laps to go Lando is fourth, at a very short distance from Hamilton and Leclerc who are chasing Bottas, leading the race from the very beginning.  
Suddenly two mechanics jump up, they shout something and point at the corner of the screen where FIA's decisions are listed: Hamilton just got a 5 seconds penalty.  
All the mechanics are standing by now, Karen is talking on the radio with someone, commentators are shouting.  
And what about me? I'm still sat down just because I'm not sure my legs could carry me.  
As soon as Lando is given the chequered flag, silence falls: it's like when in a stadium the referee is checking VAR for the winning goal.  
And then becomes official: because of the penalty Hamilton is fourth, Leclerc goes up to second place and Lando gets his first podium in a F1 competition. And he also gets the bonus point for the fastest lap!  
Everything and everyone explode. Chairs are falling, hugs everywhere, Karen is celebrating. And I... I collapse on my knees crying like a fountain. I'm crying so hard my diaphragm hurts. I've never been so happy in my whole life.  
And that's what I tell Karen when she helps me getting up “Come on! Wipe your eyes, we have to go under the podium!” She almost sprain my shoulder dragging me to the ceremony, we're there with Mercedes' and Ferrari's team-members.  
McLaren staff is excited, they are over the moon. I wait a bit out of sight, even in this moment my main concern is to bother someone. This is a success made by Lando, but much of the credit is their.  
The driver parks the car and after getting rid of seatbelts and protections flies over his mechanics, I can hear him screaming from here. He's thanking everyone.  
As soon as he lands back again, he begins looking around, and stops just when he finds me: I nod at him thinking he'd have reached me after the podium, on the contrary he takes off his helmet and jumps over the barrier.  
He holds me tight lifting me up, as he kisses me. I return the kiss, I'm totally lost, I don't know where I am anymore. It's a salty kiss, because of my tears which keep falling profusely. I barely manage to say how much I'm proud of him, when I see a steward with an upset look “Go, they're waiting for you.”  
He takes back his helmet smiling, and walks away. He reappears after a moment, announced as third place. The orange crowd explodes, many mechanics pat on my back or hug me, Karen bounces off the wall “She brought us luck! I told you! I fucking told you!” As she's shaking me like a muppet.  
I'm hit by some champagne, everything's purely perfect. 

-

I still have to get used to hang out in a paddock like I know what I'm doing.  
Everyone seems so busy, a thing that shouldn't surprise me since first of all this is a workplace.  
They're getting ready for the second Austrian race, a new situation in this mad calendar.  
I left Lando in the garage because he's busy with his mechanics. They want to repeat the podium from a few days ago, and they'll try their best to deserve it. I didn't feel like staying there snooping around, so I'm enjoying this sunny day on my own.  
I really have to find something to do. Staying indoors is a shame, for obvious reasons I can't go onto the track (even if I'd love to take a walk in there).  
Maybe there's some event in the paddock, I can check the schedule.  
I'm walking distractedly looking at my phone, when I bump into something, or better into _someone_. I move back my glasses which slightly slipped down my nose “I'm sorry, I didn't...” but I totally forget how to speak when I realize whom I bumped into.  
Charles Leclerc.  
I've always supported Ferrari, when I was a kid it was impossible to not fall in love with that red car driven by Michael Schumacher. Clearly my heart belongs to Lando, but the first cheer can't ever be abandoned. In the same way during the recent years, it was impossible to not get into the story of the Monegasque driver. I was lucky to see him running live during F2, I can't remember the details of the race (I was under a storm all of a sudden and I hadn't anything to protect myself), but I surely recall he won the race with a giant advantage, something like 20-25 seconds. Also my dad was sure of that "He'll climb the ladder."  
I cried when Jules Bianchi died, and I was so touched when I heard that story about Charles revealing his signing with Ferrari to his dying father, a white lie (that soon wouldn't have been a lie anymore) which broke my heart.  
All these things are packing into my head right now, and prevent me to comprehend what the man in front of me is saying. I virtually slap myself and focus.  
“I'm sorry, I didn't see you... I was distracted by my phone...” He's explaining while putting an iPhone in his jeans' pocket.  
“It was my fault, don't worry.” God, what a shame.  
“Sorry to ask this, but did we meet before?”  
Who? What? Ah right “I was under last race podium. I'm Lando's girlfriend.” Still seems weird saying it loud.  
“Ah right! Well it's a pleasure to finally know you, Lando told me so much about you.”  
“I'm really scared of what he could have said.”  
He laughs “He made you good publicity, no worries. Can I offer you a coffee or something?”  
I realize just now we're in front of Ferrari motor-home, all that red is almost painful for eyes.  
I accept. I sit at one of the tables outside, protected by a fence covered in ivy. I asked for a cappuccino, I have to take advantage of Italian coffee when I can.  
I sit on a chair under a big red umbrella, I'm waiting for Charles thinking he would have ordered our drinks to a waiter (do they even have waiters here?).  
On the contrary Charles himself comes back with a full tray: cappuccino, coffee, two water-bottles and a plate with a selection of biscuits.  
“Thank you, you shouldn't have bothered”  
“Of course, I didn't have anything important to do anyway.”  
I add a sugar packet to my cappuccino and start stirring. “Last race podium was really exciting”  
Also Charles add some sugar to his coffee “Well I can imagine, Lando's first podium in Formula 1. He deserves it, and I don't say it just because he's my best friend.”  
“Well yeah, obviously for that.” I taste the foam on my spoon, it's delicious. “But I was talking about you too. I shouldn't say this, but I support Ferrari since I was little.” I finish my sentence with a whisper, like if it was illegal.  
The Monegasque bursts out laughing “Oh dear, I didn't expect this.”  
We spend so much talking we almost finish our water-bottles too. First moments of embarrassment aside (for me, because I was really emotional), it's easy to get along with Charles. He isn't the full-of-himself kind of guy, at all, he's simple and I can speak with him about anything.  
We're interrupted by Lando, who comes close to our table “Oh here you are” he places a kiss on my forehead and sits down beside me. “I was looking for you but you weren't answering.”  
I see just now the notification of a missed call “I'm sorry, I must have muted my phone by accident.”  
“Don't worry, I'm happy you two met”  
Charles hands him the plate with the biscuits left “We literally bumped into each other, I tried to trap her with biscuits. Want some?”  
“Better the biscuits rather than your model charm.”  
Lando says it laughing, but I almost choke on the last sip of water I was drinking.  
Both of them burst out laughing, poor me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... that Charles guy is finally here (he's in the tags too). I don't want to spoil, so don't ask me, but... stuff is going to happen with him. Like a lot. But not the stuff you're thinking to. Now it doesn't make sense, I know, but trust me, you'll understand.  
> Ps: I added Charles' name to the tags and I wrote another summary to the story, because I felt like the old one wasn't adapt anymore. See you on Wednesday with a new chapter :)


	12. 9 - From Styria to Silverstone (Round 2 - 5)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alice learns that life with F1 drivers isn't always a bed of roses. Pain cream and amatriciana pasta are much needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, I won't describe every single race. Some of them will be just mentioned, but I wanted to explain in which part of the calendar we are.  
> Doesn't happen much in here, but I wanted a bit of peace for these people :)

At my own expense I learn how hard can be the life of a F1 driver.  
First of all the logistics, sooner or later I'll get used to being moved around the world. Or at least I hope so. For the drivers must be easier, since they're used to live with bags ready from childhood.  
Anyway the hardest part is to learn how to manage ups and downs. As said in 'Drive to survive' Formula 1 is made of the higher ups and lowest downs.  
And that's exactly what happens to Lando during Styria and Budapest races, where he places respectively fifth and thirteenth.  
After all the fifth place pleases him, but staying out from the point zone is a serious blow.  
During the days off, Lando spends almost his whole time on the simulator, he wants to do his best at the two races in Silverstone.  
Obviously everyone is focused on the fact that it's Hamilton's home race, but I can't forget Woking is distant a little more than 100 km from that track.  
We still have two days before the departure, and while I'm loading the washing-machine I hear a scream of frustration coming from Lando's room.  
Please, no more bugs to kick out, I'm begging.  
I take a look inside and I find him resting on his knees, his hands on the head.  
I crouch down next to him “Hey, is everything okay?”  
As a response he kicks the pedals and replies annoyed “Does it look okay to you? I'll never make it, fuck.”  
I know it's frustration talking, he's doing his best. First part of his answer offends me a bit, but I choose not to show him.  
“You'll make it. Take a breath for a second.” I try to caress his neck but I feel he's rigid under my touch. When he moves away to keep working on the simulator I'm disappointed.  
I sigh and go back to the bathroom to collect the laundry I have to fold.  
Will be always like this? When things are good all sunshine and roses, and hell at first difficulty? I don't know if I'm ready.  
Things were easier during the lockdown. I think this while I'm pairing up socks.  
I'm becoming demoralised because I'm missing one sock, when I feel two arms surrounding my waist.  
Lando leans his chin on my left shoulder “I apologize for earlier, I didn't want to answer rudely.”  
“It doesn't matter.”  
“It isn't true. You didn't deserve that. You always do so much for me, it isn't fair I treated you like this.” He drops a kiss on my neck, followed by a lament.  
I turn back and I see him massaging his neck with a suffering face, I'm afraid he did too many exercises.  
“Come with me.” I let him sit on the corner of the bed and take some pain cream from a drawer. “Take off your shirt.”  
He obeys “You could ask me with a different tone, you know?”  
I roll my eyes “Take a chill pill.”  
I rub his neck and shoulders with the unguent, little by little I feel his muscles relax under my hands.  
He interrupts me just to lie down on his stomach, so I sit over his hips, paying attention to not weigh on him.  
When I finish I stretch to leave the tube on the bedside, and Lando takes the opportunity to turn on his back.  
I'm about to get up but he holds me placing his hands on my hips.  
“You have golden hands, I don't know if I deserve them.”  
“Maybe not today, but most of the time you you have good chances”  
“I'm terribly sorry for earlier”  
“Don't think about that” I get close to his face and kiss his nose-tip. Then he hugs me and holds me to bed with him. The bad mood of earlier is just a memory. 

-

Hard work pays off. I always thought that, and the fact Lando manages to get the fifth place in the first race at Silverstone confirms it further. It isn't a podium, but points are coming and that's enough.  
We don't need to celebrate a fifth place, but since Charles gained a podium I suggest to invite him for dinner. Not being able to cook my pizza (like Lando wishes), I opt for amatriciana linguine, cooking them in the kitchen corner of the camper me and Lando were assigned is definitely more practical.  
I've just put the pot on, when I hear a knock on the door.  
I'll open since Lando is having a shower, he just came back from a run onto the track.  
I unlock the door and I find a smiling Charles, his hands in the pockets of the jeans he matched with a black shirt. “Hey you, third place” I'm smiling back.  
I move away to let him in, but he gets closer to leave two kisses on my cheeks. I didn't know we were already at this point of intimacy, but who am I to refuse.  
“Thank you for inviting me, Lando told me great things about your cuisine.”  
“That's it, now you'll have high expectations and it will be a fiasco.”  
“You're speaking with someone who knows how to cook just plain pasta, you wouldn't disappoint me even if you wanted.”  
He sits on an armchair “Seems comfortable here”  
“I'm sure you aren't sleeping in a tent on the hill back there”  
“Sort of”  
Lando comes back after some minutes of chatting, so I can cook our dinner.  
We really needed this carefree evening, something simple to spend our time. Pretending to live a normal life. 

I wish I could say this dinner brought us luck for the second race in Silverstone, but Lando earns only 2 points for the ninth place. Charles is luckier, he misses the podium by tenths of seconds.


	13. 10 - Monza (Round 8)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meeting with the family and a race, peace before the storm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As the summary says, enjoy the peace of this chapter, the next one will be the beginning of something *BOOM*

The weekend of the Italian Grand Prix in Monza I'm very thrilled, mainly because of two reasons: it's my home race, but most of all because Lando will meet my family, in person.  
I'm going towards the main entrance to join my relatives, who are getting off the taxi right now. I show them how to use the pass and as soon as they are in the paddock I hug them all, I haven't seen them in more than two months.  
While we're walking to the McLaren area, we pass by the Ferrari motor-home, there're many people going in and out, team members and journalists. I take a look over the big glass window and I glimpse Charles who's talking with some of his team-mates.  
“Wait me here for a second” I draw Charles' attention, who comes closer and kisses my cheek rapidly “Good morning, _ça va_?” (*How are you?)  
“Don't laugh at me, but I'd like you to meet my family, they're all ferraristi” I'm a bit ashamed to ask this.  
“Sure, why not” replys happily following me.  
“Family, he's Charles Leclerc. Charles, they are my father, my mother, my uncle, my aunt and my cousin. They're all supporters of the Scuderia.”  
My father is the most shocked, seems he's meeting his lifelong idol. He is the most fierce supporter, Ferrari is always been the main reason for him to follow races (the only races he refused to watch were the ones where Ferrari had troubles, just because he felt too much pain looking at those; and because of that he was in bad mood for days).  
When we finally could afford to follow a race live in Monte Carlo he was even more excited than me. When we came home after the race I had to check his phone, because he took so many pictures and videos it was about to explode.  
Unfortunately Charles can't stay much with us because of work, but he says goodbye to us very politely.  
When we walk into the McLaren zone I introduce them to Karen “She's Lando's assistant” I say while she shakes hands with everyone. “Is Lando still at the meeting?”  
“Yeah he's upstairs with the bosses but it shouldn't take long.”  
We wait for him at the end of the stairs, but we haven't to wait much. Lando comes out from the meeting room followed by four technicians, he smiles as soon as he sees me.  
This morning he confided to me he was nervous because of this encounter, even if you wouldn't say that right now.  
He takes my hand and smiles to the whole group “Lando, they are my mother, my father, uncle, aunt and cousin. Family, he's Lando.”  
“ _Piacere di conoscervi_ ” (*Nice to meet you) he spoke in Italian, he begged me to teach him something to make a good impression. He doesn't know much else, so I have to act as an interpreter, but I don't mind.  
He's called by Karen right before the beginning of the second free practice, while we get comfortable in the hospitality area upstairs. I'd have followed practice and qualifying there, but for the race I'll return downstairs in my place.  
The first 20 minutes pass safely, Lando manages to run some laps that I follow on a screen, while my family enjoys the food and speaks happily.  
I get distracted by Mia (my cousin) who draws my attention on a video on Instagram, but my sixth sense tells me something happened even before seeing it clearly.  
While the tv is showing a cloud of dust I'm already on the stairs, I fly into the garage underlying and run to Karen “What happened? How is he? Is he alive?”  
“He's fine dear, he just went off the road. Didn't even crash, don't worry”  
We wait for him to come back and as soon as he arrives he's surrounded by the mechanics. I see him taking off helmet and protections, to explain what didn't work. Seems he's miming a loss of grip by the back tyres.  
I wait patiently and when he gets close I hug him.  
“I'm sorry for making you worry” he says holding me.  
“I wasn't worried. I was scared to death.”  
“It was nothing. A clean up, new tyres, and maybe I can run some more laps” he's caressing my cheek, I sigh.  
“Go back driving, I'll be upstairs”  
He kisses me lightly and I walk upstairs again. My family there is watching me with a puzzled look, even if I believe they already saw on tv Lando is fine.  
“He just went off the road, he's okay.”  
My mother comes closer “Are you scared?”  
“A lot.” I admit scratching the tip of my nose, I don't want to cry. “It's the first time that happens, since I've been with him.” My mum hugs me and I instantly feel better.  
The mechanics do an excellent job, Lando is able to take advantage of the last 5 minutes to adjust the setup. 

-

Luckily the next day qualifying runs safely: Lando gets the sixth place, Carlos the third. The team is optimistic, there's way to get good placements for both.  
The day of the race I take my family upstairs but then I get back to my corner in the box. I sit in my usual place, in the same way, a can of iced tea by my side, a can I'd have opened just during the tenth lap.  
Michael is looking at me laughing, he doesn't get my superstition. When he points it out I reply that not being superstitious is bad luck, and he laughs even louder calling me crazy. Nobody can ruin my ritual.  
The race ends with a great success, thanks to a penalty Hamilton got: Gasly wins, Carlos is second and Lando third.  
The celebration lasts for almost all the rest of the day, race analysis is postponed until tomorrow. 

That same night we decide to have a dinner all together in a restaurant just outside Monza.  
The confusion caused by the race is decreasing, so the place is almost empty. Anyway we're in a quiet corner.  
The food is delicious, I'm savouring some great ravioli I'm eating paying attention to not get dirty with the sauce.  
On the contrary Lando is having big troubles with his tagliatelle, he's honestly making a mess.  
“Good god you're a kid, just stop” I'm looking at him exasperated.  
“I'm gonna cut everything and...”  
“You won't dare to mutilate this poor innocent pasta” I put my chair closer to his “You have to do like this.”  
I take his hand and I show him how to hold a fork and how to tie long pasta. Luckily my family is distracted by something else, the only one giggling is Mia who saw everything.  
I have to act as an interpreter tonight too, but I really wanted my family to know that Lando is a real person, who most of all didn't kidnap me.  
My mother uses the little English she knows to speak with Lando about his family. He talks kindly about them, he clearly make a great impression.  
My father as always keeps his own thoughts to himself. He isn't rude or anything, he's just using his intuition as a parent to understand who Lando is in reality.  
While we're waiting for our desserts I quickly go to the bathroom, Mia would have taken my place with translations.  
When I come out I find Lando waiting for me. “Is there any problem?”  
“I bumped into your father in front of the cashier, I had to fight him to convince to let me pay. He'll hate me forever, as if he needed more reasons.”  
“Didn't was too bad for sure” I hug him, trying to cheer him up.

In the parking the cool air of September forces us to wear our coats. I hug each member of my family to say goodbye.  
My father is the last one, I've seen how cold his handshake with Lando was, I have to speak with him.  
“May I have a word with you?”  
We walk a few feet away from the group of people “You aren't mad Lando offered the dinner, right?”  
“Of course not, he just caught me by surprise” he puts his hands in his own pockets, I know he's trying to hide something.  
“He's like that, don't be offended. What do you think about him?” It's useless to beat around the bush.  
“He's a kid.” He bursts out, I was expecting this but hurts anyway.  
“I know, I'm actually surprised that...”  
“Let me finish. He's a child, and I don't like the life he's making you live. We miss you at home, it's pointless to hide it. But... he makes you happy and takes good care of you. A father couldn't ask more for his daughter.”  
I prove a spectrum of emotions that brings from deep sadness to great sentiment. “I don't know what to say.”  
“Just promise me you'll pay attention and you'll stay true to yourself. And call us, as often as possible.”  
I hug him while I'm wiping my eyes “I'll do it. Thanks dad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're a McLaren fan you could be familiar with the pasta scene: I've been inspired by that video of Lando and Carlos trying Italian food. That was too funny to watch.


	14. 11 - Mugello (Round 9)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ♫ Dear jealousy, why you smiling creepily? / Your fingertips keep holding on / But your tricks won't work on me ♫

Since the Mugello race is in less than a week, we logically leave for Tuscany right from Monza.  
The evening after qualifying I came back to the hotel before Lando to have a shower, when I get a phone-call “I've been trapped by an interview at dinner-time, I'll come back later, I'm sorry.”  
“Not a problem, I know it's part of your job. I'll order room-service.”  
After dinner I fall asleep on the couch.  
I have no idea how much time passed, I'm woken up by the noise of the door opening. The light from the corridor brightens up the room.  
“Hey you” I say rubbing my eyes.  
“Hey, I didn't mean to wake you up”  
I slowly walk close to him “What time is it?”  
“Almost 11 PM”  
“Damn, you're late”  
He doesn't reply. I can see he's pensive while he's taking off his jacket “What's the problem?” I ask hugging his back.  
He sighs and then starts letting off steam “Nothing... it was weird”  
“What, the interview?”  
He nods “This Spanish journalist of La Sexta, Margareta Rodriguez... we met for dinner. But it's not just that.” He's weighing up each word “She asked me weird questions, personal stuff... and with the excuse of the recorder she kept coming closer...”  
I swallow, trying to stay calm. “Did anything happen between you two?”  
“No, absolutely. I'm speaking just by vibes. She made me uncomfortable.”  
I sit on the armchair's armrest while Lando is in the bathroom. If he says nothing happened I have no reason to doubt it. But a situation like this one obviously doesn't let me stay relaxed. I'm looking for the journalist's name on Instagram and I immediately find her profile. Needless to say she's a beautiful girl, a model loaned to motor sport. Dark hair, blue eyes, perfect nose, a body I could kill for. Her last story shows her arrival to the track this morning.  
I didn't notice Lando coming back, he's so close I can smell his toothpaste “It's her”  
He sits down next to me “I promise nothing happened”  
“I'm sure of it” I say closing the app “Maybe you should warn Karen to keep an eye on her”  
“It's a good idea.”  
He sends a quick voice note to his assistant and then we go to bed. 

The next day Lando earns deservedly the third place on the podium.  
I'm thrilled, I'm already in my spot to the barrier waiting for him to come back, when I'm pushed away violently, I almost fall on the ground.  
“ _Hey ma che cazzo..._ ” (*Hey what the fuck) Now in my place there are a camera operator with his equipment, and a woman with a mic in her hands.  
In half a second I know for sure she's Margareta Rodriguez.  
I'm still massaging my shoulder for the blow I got, when the engines' noise announces the return of the cars.  
Lando jumps off and as always he flies over his team, while he's hugged and celebrated.  
As soon as he steps back on the ground he takes off helmet and protections, and I can see he's looking for me. I wave at him and he crosses the barrier to hug me.  
“Where have you been?” I don't answer but I hold him tight, despite my sore shoulder.  
He kisses me quickly and while he's jumping again over the barrier I note Margareta trying to interview Lando.  
He doesn't consider her at all, and this makes me gloat a lot.  
When Lando goes away to step onto the podium, Karen arrives (she was detained by a phone call).  
She sees we're in the background, but this doesn't discourage her “Alright, get the fuck out, we have to stay ahead”.  
She pushes away unceremoniously the La Sexta couple and finally we manage to reach the barrier again.  
We celebrate Lando as always, he's happy to share the podium with the two Mercedes. 

After the ceremony we all walk back to the garage calmly, waiting for Lando to come back from the interviews.  
Technicians and mechanics are still celebrating with toasts and songs, when Karen calls me “Alice, there's a journalist who wants to talk with you. I'm warning you, she's the one from La Sexta”  
“And what does she want?”  
“Didn't tell me” She sighs “Listen, normally I'd suggest to ignore her, but I'm afraid she targeted Lando. If you refused, she'd invent stories for weeks.”  
I'm biting my inner cheek “Okay, I get it. I'll talk to her.”  
I try to fix myself up (as much as possible, since I'm still drenched in champagne) and walk over the glass door.  
She's there without her colleague, she's writing rapidly on her phone.  
As soon as she sees me she smiles wide, like this is a Mentadent commercial.  
“Hi Alice, I'm glad you accepted to meet me. You don't know who I am...”  
“I know who you are Margareta.” I don't even know where my courage is coming from.  
She isn't surprised. “Better this way. I wanted to have a word before the interview Lando gave me will be published.”  
“Yeah, he spoke me about that.” Fucking bitch, you thought Lando didn't tell me.  
“I wanted to warn you that compromising pics will be out, would you like to make a statement?”  
“No, I don't think so” I reply laughing sarcastically. I turn my back to go away and she leans her hand on my shoulder to stop me.  
“Wait. I'll write a 'no comment'. But I wanted to tell you another thing.”  
I'm staring, waiting for her to continue.  
“You must understand that Lando isn't a thing for you.” She declares with the fakest smile I've ever seen “He's one of the biggest talent in Formula 1... you'll get by yourself he deserves someone with a physical appearance more suitable to him.”  
I'm not going to listen another word by her “Lando is a fully grown man, he knows how to choose what's best for himself.”  
I turn my back and while I cross the door I see her weaving and saying “I always get what I want!”

Since Lando didn't come back from the interviews yet, I decide to go back to his room to change my clothes and have a shower.  
I pull my hair up and when I throw my cardigan on the ground I see something weird. Indeed a little fibre of plastic detached from the clothes (which I noticed just because it was hit by a ray of sunshine): I take it and I look at it perplexed, until I recognize it's a hidden microphone.  
I have no doubts Margareta put it on me.  
My first reaction would be to find her and kill her, but then I take a deep breath and stay calm.  
I close the mic in a closet, and I finally have my shower.  
Lando comes back when I've just finished to dry my hair, he's radiant with the trophy in his hands.  
I kiss him but he immediately realizes that something is bothering me, he knows me way too well.  
“Today I spoke with Margareta” I tell him everything “and then I found this” I signal him to stay silent and show him the mic.  
His eyes are wide open but doesn't say anything till I hide the object again. “We have to tell Karen”  
He calls his assistant who arrives after a couple of minutes, and she reacts in a very different way: she gets so fucking angry.  
It takes a while for her to calm down: she seals the mic in a plastic envelope and announces that as soon as the article about Lando will be out, La Sexta would lose the license to interview the whole team. “Let's try to be professional with those assholes.”  
I love her, deeply. 

We don't have to wait much. The same evening La Sexta publishes on Instagram a link to the news: Margareta added many pics taken during the dinner, pics in which her hands and Lando's seems to look for each other. The text suggests the dinner between the two was very romantic.  
Even before we can do it, Karen calls us and explains how to react.  
Lando shares the link on his Instagram, adding a facepalm emoji.  
I share the same story too, adding a gif that says 'fake news'.  
Do they want the war? They found it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you feel like throwing some curses at me, well keep them for the next chapters okay? :P


	15. 12 - Sochi (Round 10)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3, 2, 1... fight!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of Antonio Giovinazzi for all the fans out there (including myself).

As we're in Sochi I decide to take a walk outside to a bar, I need to stretch my legs.  
I'd like to drink something hot, a cappuccino would be ideal.  
While I'm getting my beverage, I note Antonio Giovinazzi sitting at a table, I decide to say hi. He's such a kind and likeable guy, and it's nice to speak Italian every now and then.  
“Ciao Antonio! How are you?”  
“Ciao Alice, I'm fine and you?”  
We have a chat until I decide to take a sip of the supposed “cappuccino”. It's an ignoble mud, Antonio is laughing his ass off because of my facial expression.  
“Coffee abroad is always a problem.”  
I throw away my half-full cup “Bleah, I'll need mouthwash to get rid of this taste”  
“Do you want some of my tea? It's not too bad.” He offers politely.  
I gladly accept. Unluckily this isn't my day, and when I'm about to lean the cup on the table I lose the grip: tea spills everywhere, on poor Antonio included.  
At least he isn't wearing the racing suit and the tea wasn't hot anymore, or he could be burned.  
“Oh my god I'm so sorry, I made a mess.”  
I take as many tissues I can and try to clean what I did, both on the table and on my friend himself.  
It takes a while, but Antonio can go back to his work worthily, I do my apologies again and say goodbye.  
I walk back to my place, Lando is already out for the first laps of last free practice session. Everything runs fine, he's getting great results.  
When the session is almost finished, I see some members of the team looking at me sideways. I rub my nose, thinking to have something on it. But they keep doing it.  
Practices end and Lando comes back, he's smiling at me but has to talk with the mechanics first.  
Karen gets closer to me with an harsh face “Alice, we have a small problem.”  
She lends me her phone, opened on La Sexta site: someone (guess who?) took photos of the chat between me and Antonio, while we're laughing and while I'm cleaning the disaster I made. There're so many misunderstandable pics. One above all, while I was simply cleaning his leg. Let's be honest, seems like I'm giving him a blowjob in the middle of the paddock.  
I go on tilt. There's no better word to describe how I react. The problem is Margareta is walking into the pit-lane right now, she's in front of McLaren's garages.  
I don't realize it, I'm jumping on her.  
“CAN YOU FUCKING TELL ME WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM?”  
She doesn't have the time to stop me, I give her a shove that makes her hit the cameraman. She sways for a moment and then she's over me. She kicks me down and throws a punch on my lips, I manage to rip up a big lock of her extensions.  
Finally the cameraman holds her back and takes her away, I'm being held by Lando and Karen, the rest of the McLaren team is too shocked to do anything.  
We scream at each other so many insults, she does it in Spanish while I reply in Italian, must be a very funny scene from outside. I'm a beast, my ultras side came out in all its glory.  
While Lando is dragging me away with difficulty, we pass near Carlos who came here lured by the bustle “My friend, I thought I'd have seen many things in my life, but never ever two girls beating each other for you...”  
“Stop fucking around and help me” Lando begs, they both hold me by my shoulders and guide me in a private room, where I can sit down.  
Karen immediately goes away “I'll take care of this”, Lando brings a can from the fridge and puts it on my lips.  
Just in that moment I feel the pain in my mouth, I can taste blood too.  
I'm starting to shiver because of anxiety, and my eyes are tearing up for the shameful spectacle I offered.  
“What the hell was that?” Lando is speechless.  
“I know it” says Carlos, he quickly clicks on his phone and shows to Lando the news.  
“Ah, I get it now.” He sighs and then smiles “You were trying to defend my honour.”  
“More mine...” Laughing costs me a bit of pain “For sure I took a nice souvenir from her.”  
Lando and Carlos burst out laughing, the Spaniard declares that it was a very poor scene “You need to box with me, we'll get you proper ready for the second round”  
I'm still sore with the can on my lips when Karen comes back “Let me see” takes away the can “Ouch, must be painful.”  
“I felt worse.”  
She's less worried than expected “Alright. I won't sweeten the deal. Bosses were pissed off. They don't want this kind of drama around the drivers. Their first decision was to contract out and ban you to follow Lando during races.”  
That's it. I'm done.  
“But... I played the mic card, and that changed their minds. On the contrary they decided to report what happened. Most likely La Sexta will be banned for the rest of the season. Am I or not the best assistant ever?” She smiles happily.  
I'm hugging her, grateful for what she always does for me.  
“Come on Rocky, let's take you to the medical centre for a check-up” Lando is caressing my back.  
In the end I need just a couple of suture patches, apparently models aren't that great at fighting.  
Lando is clicking on his phone “Look, Antonio denied the news”  
He shows me his last story, that shows La Sexta post with facepalm sticker. He's a nice guy.  
I thank him on the phone a couple of hours later, asking him if he had any troubles with his girlfriend.  
I'm lucky she's a smart girl and immediately refused that the story was true. I'll thank her later too.  
I also get a call from my parents, madly worried because they read the news about the fight. It takes me a while to reassure them, I manage to do it just after minimizing the facts (Sport Mediaset exaggerated everything).  
Unluckily this mad weekend comes to an end in the worst way, with Lando fifteenth.


	16. 13 - Monaco (Round 11)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Latins said "Per aspera ad astra" (through hardships to the stars). But things are different here, we have stars first and then b̶i̶g̶ ̶a̶s̶s̶ hardships.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for all the Nurburgring fans out there, but I needed this chapter to be set in the Principality.  
> This will take long to read, get yourself comfortable.

The weekend of Monaco grand prix ended with a good sixth place for Lando. He always says he wants the podium, but this race is so peculiar (and most of all it's so hard to overtake here) that in the end he can be pleased anyway.  
It's a bit weird being here with Lando, Monaco is like my second home. My family bought an apartment here when I was a child, so I spent here most of my summer holidays.  
I know the Principality better than my parents' town, a corner of the world I visited in each one of its tile and blade of grass.  
But one thing was precluded to me, being almost always on my own: clubs and dance halls, a lack I'd have partially fixed this year.  
Indeed this Sunday night has been organized a huge party at Sporting, a costume party with the theme 'Stars and Constellations'. Being able to take part to this kind of events is a dream for me, but clearly is also a huge cause of stress: I never partook to nothing more elegant than a friends' wedding party.  
I've decided to spend Friday morning looking for the dress. Or better, Lando forces me to do that because “I don't want you to come up with the excuse of not having a nice dress and leave me there all alone”, besides he does that giving me his credit card.  
Looking for a normal dress for me is already problematic enough, imagine an elegant one.  
I'm walking around the boutiques of the first two floors in Metropole Shopping Centre: I distractedly look at the shop windows, which all display dresses for the party. Unluckily there's nothing over the size 44. I'm slowly resigning to buy something and then made it adjust by a tailor, when a dress by Blumarine catches my eye.

I'm still staring at it now that I'm in my room and I took it out from the box: it's utterly gorgeous.  
I hang it on the closet for the time I need to do makeup and hair, and then I wear it.  
The upper part is a silky dark blue corset, same colour of the skirt which falls a bit voluminous down to the ground. But the sleeves are the best part: they are made of soft night blue tulle, embroidered with golden constellations for their whole length.  
I'm feeling beautiful for the first time in years.  
I walk into the living-room searching for my golden décolleté and my purse, while Lando is trying to tie his bow tie in front of the mirror that decorates the entrance.  
He's wearing a dark blue suit, while the bow tie is garnished by small golden stars. He sees me with the corner of the eye and stops his fight: “Hey hey hey... come here and let me admire you.”  
He makes me pirouette “Oh please, I have no shoes and you're embarrassing me”  
“You're gorgeous” he smiles while caressing my left cheek.  
I move my head to lean it on his hand and I laugh “You too, despite the clear defeat against the bow tie... I'll take care of it” it's a matter of seconds, and the tie is done.  
Lando really seems a kid, I'll never stop thinking it. I smile and I let my fingers flow through his curls: he finally decided to please me and he's growing his hair.  
“You're always handsome” I kiss him lightly “but if we don't hurry up we'll get there when the party is over.”  
I quickly wear my shoes and take the purse, the car is already waiting for us.  
The journey from Hotel Hermitage to Sporting doesn't take long, but Lando never leaves my hand, he kisses the back of it before going out and open my door.  
I wear the simple golden mask on my eyes and I smile.  
I'm lucky he's helping me to not stumble on my skirt, the photographers' flashes are destabilising me.  
We follow the red carpet stopping every few steps in front of the paparazzi, I'm really uncomfortable but Lando helps me to know where to look and what to do.  
Finally we walk into the party hall and here the atmosphere changes completely: the vault hosts a perfect reproduction of Milky Way, while here and there on the tables are placed hundreds of lanterns.  
The contrast with the outside is evident, I'm fascinated.  
I'm still there looking around like a child in Disneyland, when Lando drags me to the dance floor. I've never been good in dancing, never had sense of rhythm, but thanks to Lando I ignore all the rest and we just dance like crazy.  
I don't know how much time we last, but when I begin not feeling my feet anymore I need a bathroom pause, my life depends on it.  
Luckily I find it empty, I wash my hands and refresh my neck and face. I hear a flush behind me, and I realize I wasn't so alone in here. But I didn't expect to find _her_.  
“Back from the dead” sneers Margareta reflected in the mirror.  
“Look who didn't get her ass kicked enough” I burst out.  
“Oh please, you did nothing.”  
“Sure, whatever.” I roll my eyes while I'm applying my gloss.  
“As you can see a stupid piece of paper can't keep me away, I'll get what I want.”  
She wipes her hands and wears an elaborate Venetian mask, a sun-shaped one.  
While I'm closing my purse I fulfil the dream of a lifetime, and I say “I pity you so much.”  
The door closes behind me and I prefer to wait a couple of minutes before coming back to the hall.  
I didn't imagine to see her again so early, but I'm happy I didn't indulge my rage like last time.  
Now on the dance floor there's a great crowd, but I can't locate Lando.  
Luckily I glimpse a table with Daniel, Charles and Max, so I walk to them to say hi.  
I take advantage of the chat to drink a glass of Champagne.  
“Have you seen Lando? I've lost him a while ago.”  
Daniel and Charles shake their heads, instead Max nods towards the right side of the dance floor.  
And then my world falls to pieces.  
Lando is dancing with a girl, who's leaning her hands on his hips. Margareta.  
My sight is failing and I grumble an excuse before going out on the terrace facing the sea.  
I'd throw up if I had something, I can't breath.  
People like her always get what they want, for real. While people like me can just stay and watch.  
The sight of waves is calming me, unconsciously my breath synchronize with their movement.  
I don't how much time I stay here, I turn my back when I hear someone behind me.  
My heart hopes it's Lando, instead I see Carlos.  
“Hey, what are you doing here all alone?” He comes closer to the parapet.  
“I saw Lando dancing with someone” I can see he's about to start one of his crusade against jealousy, but I have to stop him abruptly “He was with Margareta”.  
He drops his shoulders discouraged. “I... I'm sorry. There's a logic explanation for sure. Lando isn't able to be false, he's just a bit stupid. Like every man.”  
I can feel the tears stinging my eyes, but I'm not letting them go to not stain Carlos' suit, since he's hugging me.  
“Come on, come back inside. We'll kick their asses if you like.”  
“I prefer going back to the hotel. This isn't a place for me.” I sadly smile at him.  
I take my shoes off and follow the Larvotto beach till the hill towards the Casinò: knowing the Principality like the back of my hand helps me to walk a little frequented path.  
As soon as I walk into the room I take off my dress and leave it on the couch. I wear my pyjama and curl up on an armchair in the balcony. I stare at the port's lights without really seeing them, waiting for the tears to finally find their way.  
I'm still waiting to relieve myself when Lando breaks into the room.  
“May I know where the hell have you been? I was terrified something happened to you!”  
“Didn't seem you cared much about that.” I answer apathetically.  
“Are you making this mess because I danced with a girl? Are you serious?”  
“It wasn't just a girl, it was Margareta!”  
I see him remain shocked “I... I didn't recognize her with that mask... I didn't know it was her.”  
I cuddle my knees against my chest.  
“Believe me, I...” He's distracted by a notification on his phone.  
He reads the message and I see his jaw tensing up. He hands me out his phone, where Karen sent a link to La Sexta site.  
A _special correspondent_ describes the party with lots of details, pointing out the part when Lando was seen dancing romantically with someone who wasn't me. The part about me is in the end, where is displayed a picture taken from the sea: I'm hugging Carlos. A pic everyone could misinterprets.  
“I can't not recognize a person with whole face covered, I haven't the benefit of the doubt. But you can easily act like this with my team-mate.”  
I'm not lucid, my head is a vortex of confusion “What's the point of fighting against a world that does everything to separate us? Look at us.” I quickly wipe my cheek “I'm so tired Lando, so fucking tired.”  
He looks at me with disdain “You're the only one fighting against stereotypes right?” He starts calmly but doesn't take long to raise the tone of his voice “You have no idea of the looks full of pity and commiseration I have to deal with because I'm with you! I never really cared, but I see them!”  
He throws up his hate like this. I wish I could say I wasn't expecting that, but it was just a matter of time for everything to fall to pieces. I just knew.  
“I wish I'd never met you.” And he goes away slamming the door.  
It's that exact sound to wipe away all the confusion in my head, finally I can see everything clearly.  
I collapse on the ground. And scream.  
I shout more than when I'm at the stadium, more than when I broke my leg, more than when my grandpa died.  
I scream because my life is over.  
  
-

I wake up in a place I don't know. It's a room with beige walls, I'm on a bed with rough sheets, a bit uncomfortable. I slightly lift my head and someone opens the door on the right, he's wearing a white coat.  
“I'm happy you woke up, mademoiselle”  
“Where am I? What happened?” I'm so confused.  
“You're in Cardio-Thoracic Centre. We've been called by the hotel, you terrified everyone with your shouts. You were in shock, and you had a nervous breakdown. We kept you under observation for some hours because we were afraid this affected the heart, but I can exclude that.” He's checking some papers in my medical record “You can stay here till tonight, but I'd suggest to go home or in another calm place. You need serenity, and if you like we can provide psychological support. Do you have anyone to contact?”  
He's waiting for my answer, but I just shrug.  
“Think about that, and when in need just call the nurse, we're at your disposal.”  
He hooks the record to the edge of the bed and then walks away.  
I'd like to call my mother, but telling her everything would mean being stuck back in Italy, she would never let me go anywhere anymore. My father would rush here by car, risking to kill himself.  
I could call Alex, my best friend, but she's in Venice for work. I'd make her just feel bad. In no time I run out of possibilities.  
I call the nurse and use my phone to reach the only person in Monaco I can rely on: “Charles, I need your help please.”

I don't remember the moment of my dismissal nor the car journey to Charles' house. I'm back from my lethargy when he makes me sit on his couch and hands me a cup of smoking hot tea.  
I sip it slowly. It burns my lips, but I don't care.  
Charles sits by my side “I don't want to force you to talk, but I want say that in hospital they roughly explained to me what happened. I just want you to know I'm here. I'm here for you.”  
As soon as he stops talking I feel tears starting to fall copiously.  
“I've lost him.” I manage to say just that, and I let everything go. I cry so much that I fall asleep curled up on his lap. 

When I wake up I see it's pitch dark outside, I can see the dim light coming from the lampposts.  
I'm about to get up when I hear low voices coming from the kitchen.  
One of them it's Lando. He's here. “I feel so guilty.” The tone of his voice is simply broken. “I said things I didn't think, we both did. But I had to understand, help her...”  
“Don't blame yourself, surely you didn't do it on purpose.”  
“But I did it anyway. And I hate myself because of that.” I can't see him but I know for sure he's tormenting his hair “I messed up her life. I tore her away from home, dragged her in this circus... The truth is I should be man enough to let her free. What's that saying? If you love someone you have to let her go.” He sighs “But I can't Charles, I fucking can't. Because I'm sure she's my soulmate. I can't.”  
“That thing about letting someone go is bullshit. If you want something you have to fight for it. If it's worth it, you must give all of yourself, at the risk of failing.”  
“She told me she's tired of fighting against the world, for us.”  
“She didn't think it for sure, I bet my life on it”  
By now I'm at the kitchen door, they didn't hear me “No, I didn't mean that.”  
Lando opens wide his eyes when he sees me “You're awake.”  
Charles walks out to let us speak together. When he's passing by, he caresses my shoulder to encourage me.  
“I owe you an apology, I went to the hospital and Charles told me... Forgive me, I didn't...”  
“I'm the one who has to apologize” I interrupt him and look into his eyes “Were you serious earlier? Do you really think I'm your soulmate?”  
He tightens his lips, probably thought I didn't hear him “Yeah Alice, I am.”  
I don't know what to say. I walk closer and hug him. He holds me tight.  
“I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it. World against or not, you will always be worth to fight. We'll always be worth it.”  
We kiss urgently, together we can breath again. More tears flow down my face, but this time they're caused by pure happiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. I told you this was a long one.  
> I really thought about dividing the chapter, but I should have cut right after the fight, and I'd have felt so guilty leaving you the whole weekend with that scene. I'm not so perfidious eheh  
> Hope this wasn't hard to read though  
> See you on Monday with another chapter, we're going back to Lando's POV ;)


	17. Flashback 4 - What happens in Monaco... (L)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Greatest loves often drive to biggest fury. Lando learns it sitting on a bench in Monaco.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! As I said in the end of the previous chapter, we're back in Lando's mind. I tried to explain what happened in the last part... hope you like it :)

I believe I was enough diplomatic moving away from this sticky fan. A dance or two is okay, but when I realized I pretty much had in my hands her pelvis, I knew this girl was surely looking for something else.  
I don't want this, I don't need it. Bye.  
I look at my watch, Alice has been gone for a while. Where is she?  
I take a glass of champagne and I walk towards the bathrooms.  
I wait outside for more than 15 minutes, nobody goes in nor out. When a woman in her sixties passes by to go into the restroom, I ask her to do me the favour to check if somebody is inside, since I'm waiting my girlfriend. I'm stunned when she swears the bathroom is empty. Where did Alice go?  
In the hall I find Charles, I ask informations to him “Yeah she was here half an hour ago, maybe more. Why are you asking?” He's confused as much as me.  
“I can't find her.” I'm nervous, but there's no need to make a scene, she must be here somewhere.  
I'm wandering in the huge room, cursing the crowd and the areas of semi-darkness created by the lanterns, and then I meet Carlos. He finally gives to me the information I was looking for “I think she went back to the hotel.”  
He says it in a weird voice, but I haven't the time to investigate more.  
I go back to my car and return to the hotel, I'm disappointed and angry. But most of all I'm worried, I'm afraid something serious happened.  
I open the door fearing to find again an empty place, instead I see Alice's figure curled up in the balcony.  
“May I know where the hell have you been? I was terrified something happened to you!”  
“Didn't seem you cared much about that.”  
Her answer leaves me stunned. What could've happened for... but then my mind connects in a second, and I immediately get what she could have seen.  
“You're making this mess because I danced with a girl? Are you serious?”  
“It wasn't just a girl, it was Margareta!” She's yelling.  
That's why her voice sounded so familiar! I mentally punch myself for being so stupid to not recognize her “I... I didn't recognize her with that mask... I didn't know it was her. Believe me, I...”  
I don't know why I check that damned notification on my phone. I don't even need to read the text, I just see that picture of Carlos and Alice embraced and I totally lose my mind.  
I hand out the phone to her, even if my first instinct would have been to throw it against the wall “I can't not recognize a person with her whole face covered, I haven't the benefit of the doubt. But you can easily act like this with my team-mate.”  
She's staring at me with her crying eyes, her gaze is lost “What's the point of fighting against a world that does everything to separate us? Look at us. I'm so tired Lando, so fucking tired.”  
The fact she doesn't even try to excuse herself makes me flare up even more, I'm feeling a rage that I couldn't think it was possible. Her attempt to sacrifice herself, to imply she's the one bearing the whole weight of our relationship on her own: all of this is driving me crazy. “You're the only one fighting against stereotypes right?” I don't want to scream, but at this point I totally lost control “You have no idea of the looks full of pity and commiseration I have to deal with because I'm with you! I never really cared, but I see them!”  
I'll regret these words but it's the truth. I tried to protect her in any way from the funny glances, the giggles, the looks full of pity by who thinks I'm not able to find a girl on my level. But any of these efforts is acknowledged to me.  
“I wish I'd never met you.”  
One of my worst flaws if the strongest intolerance towards the ingratitude. An uncontrolled fury makes me leave the room slamming the door, I walk away in leaps until I reach the street and then the railing overlooking the port. There aren't many people around, most of the night life is still at Sporting. And that's big luck, since I throw a kick to a bar, cursing myself for the bruise I surely got.  
I worked hard for this relationship, I gave my everything to arrange our cohabitation before, and bear with separation later. I was patient, I respected Alice's times for everything. It wasn't an effort nor an obligation, I simply did that because it was the right thing. But I really tried my best.  
'I'm tired' she said. Like our story was a run or something similar.  
Disappointment is about to take over me, but when I think about Carlos my rage bursts out again. That's why he was so weird when I talked to him, he was surely thinking about how bad he screwed up. If I had him in front of me right now, I'd punch him in the face. Mindlessly I browse through my contacts and click on his name.  
“Hello?” He asks in a low voice.  
“Fuck your hello. What the fuck were you doing with my girlfriend?”  
He falls silent for a while, I can hear him walking and closing a door “First of all calm down, since I'm in my room with Isa. And second, I was trying to save you _imbecil de mierda_.” (*fucking moron)  
I don't care about his insult “This doesn't give you any...”  
He interrupts me “She was in tears on that fucking terrace, because she saw her _cabròn_ of a boyfriend with the ass of another woman in his hands. A woman who already tried to take him away from her, and for three times. In my opinion, it's a miracle she didn't throw you into the sea.”  
Had to be a logic explanation, damn me and my stupidity. “I'm sorry Carlos.”  
He snorts “Where are you now?”  
“On the street, in front of the hotel.” He replies something, but the siren of an ambulance passing by is breaking my eardrums. “Can you repeat?”  
“I said you have to move your ass and go back to her, and quickly too.”  
He's right, as always. But I'm not ready to confront her yet. I did enough damages tonight, I said horrible things I'm not ready to dig up. I have to calm down.  
I walk the hill of the Casinò and go into the gardens of Operà Garnier. Finally I get rid of my bow tie, I put it in my pocket. I undo a couple of buttons and breath in deeply the salty air.  
I sit down on a bench, not knowing yet that I'd have stayed here the whole night, until I see the sun rising and then lift up over the stretch of water. 

I walk through the glass doors of the hotel at a shameful time, but I had my good reasons.  
Reasons contained in two huge bags of Fauchon and a smaller one of Cartier. If the damage I made is big, also the solution must be: food and jewels, I'm playing it safe.  
Before going into the lift I check my pockets, but beside my phone and wallet I have nothing else. Last night I forgot the key in my room like an idiot.  
I get closer to the marble bar of the reception, the concierge is on the phone. “Yes Sir, I wrote a report like you asked.” He looks at me, but I make a gesture to let him finish his call, he seems pretty demoralized like he's getting an harsh scolding. “You're right, I can... Yeah, I can check right now. Room 729”  
As soon as I hear that number I freeze. My room. Our room.  
“Alright I'll take care of it.” He hangs up with a sad face. “Sorry for making you wait. How can I help you?”  
I'm terrified a disgrace happened, my mouth is dry and my brain is blocked. “I'm sorry but... the room...”  
“Which one, Sir?”  
“729. What happened?” I'm about to throw up.  
“I'm not authorized to...”  
He's trying to justify himself but I don't let him “It was my room. It is. It's mine. Norris, you can check.”  
The log on the computer confirms my version “I'm sorry, I was just doing my job. We had to call an ambulance for your guest.”  
The floor collapses underneath my feet “Do you know where they took her?”  
“No, I'm sorry.”  
Maybe he's about to say something else, by my mind is already rushing.  
I deliver all my bags to the concierge, asking him to take them to the room, and in a matter of seconds I get into a taxi.  
I start from the most logic option, Princesse Grace Hospital. Unluckily we get stuck within the tunnel that passes underneath the old town because of a huge pile-up, probably I'd have saved up much more time walking till there. That same accident causes big confusion in the hospital, it takes me way more time than expected to know that Alice isn't here.  
I go back to my cab, trying to collect ideas. I ask for advice to my driver too, who suggests to go to International Medical Centre, since it's not far. I accept the advice gladly, but she's not there either.  
“What if she was taken to Nice?” It's the only possibility I can think about.  
“We can give a try with Cardio-Thoracic Centre.”  
He's right, at least we'll be able to exclude Monaco from the list.  
The nurse in the entrance repeats the sentence I already heard twice “No, the name you said isn't between our hospitalised.”  
I sigh discouraged, ready to rush to Nice, when she adds something unexpected “She's been dismissed about an hour ago.”  
I manage to have a conversation with the doctor on duty, who can read the medical record: the story of what happened makes me want to hit the wall with my head, multiple times.  
I nearly broke her heart. Literally.  
Luckily I remember to ask if she went away on her own. The doctor reads some papers “No, this was signed by someone else. Oh wait, here says Charles Leclerc.”  
Perfect, I have a new destination. I thank the doctor for his help, and I'm not on the taxi yet when my phone rings. It's Charles.  
“Hello?”  
“I don't want to scare you, but...”  
“I just knew. Is she with you?”  
“Yeah, we're at my house.” My sigh of relief is immense. I take note of the address and I refer it to the driver.  
When we stop in front of a white building I thank this man, he was so helpful and kind. The big tip I leave is absolutely deserved.  
“Thanks to you. I hope everything will work out, I wish you the best of luck.”  
When he uses the same words of Alice in what had to be our last message, I consider it a sign. Still have to decide if a positive or negative one.  
I climb some steps before the entrance and I don't even need to ring the intercom, Charles must have seen me already.  
The lift takes ages to reach the sixth floor, as soon as I walk out I see the semi-open door of house Leclerc.  
Charles is waiting for me right after the doorstep, I'm about to speak but with the index finger on his mouth makes me understand to stay silent.  
He points towards a room over the entrance. I walk into the kitchen and dining-room, and finally I reach the living-room, where Alice is.  
I kneel down in front of the couch. She's curled up in a fetal position, pale as the beige blanket that's covering her.  
With the lightest hand I move away a lock of hair that risks to tickle her nose, and just in that moment I note how many tears she shed on the sofa cover.  
All of this could be avoided if I talked, if I came back earlier, if, if, if...  
I get up sighing again, to stop the tears that are about to fall. I walk back into the kitchen, where Charles is pouring the water from a kettle. I sit on a stool, the forehead between my hands.  
“Sugar? Milk?” He's asking quietly.  
“Both please.”  
He adds them and we stay silent for a while, sipping our cups.  
“Did you speak with a doctor?”  
I nod “He told me everything. If I didn't waste time I'd have arrived before her dismissal.” That damn accident. “Thank you for going to pick her up.”  
“She called me. I couldn't refuse, she'd have done the same in my place.”  
“Did she say anything?”  
“Almost nothing.” Seems he's pondering what to tell “She just said 'I've lost him', and cried. She cried a lot, Lando.” The last sentence slips out, he immediately says sorry for that.  
“Don't worry, you're just being honest.” I'm ruining my nails because of nerves and sense of guilt “I stayed all night on a fucking bench while she was feeling bad, can you believe that? I feel so guilty. I said things I didn't think, we both did. But I had to understand, help her...”  
“Don't blame yourself, surely you didn't do it on purpose.” Charles is trying to act as a proper friend, but I'm inconsolable.  
“But I did it anyway. And I hate myself because of that.” My hand flows through my hair “I messed up her life. I tore her away from home, dragged her in this circus... The truth is I should be man enough to let her free. What's that saying? If you love someone you have to let her go. But I can't Charles, I fucking can't. Because I'm sure she's my soulmate. I can't.” I understood it, late but I did. Whatever happens, I will always think about my life split in two by her as a divider.  
“That thing about letting someone go is bullshit. If you want something you have to fight for it. If it's worth it, you must give all of yourself, at the risk of failing.”  
“She told me she's tired of fighting against the world, for us.”  
“She didn't think it for sure, I bet my life on it”  
“No, I didn't mean that.”  
I turn around all of a sudden, an unexpected voice behind us “You're awake.”  
Like I needed other reasons to be grateful to Charles, he leaves the room to allow to speak just the two of us.  
“I owe you an apology, I went to the hospital and Charles told me... Forgive me, I didn't...”  
“I'm the one who has to apologize” She doesn't let me speak “Were you serious earlier? Do you really think I'm your soulmate?”  
Ouch, I didn't think she heard this too “Yeah Alice, I am.”  
For a long moment when she's staring at me motionless, I'm afraid she's about to go away, deciding she's suffered enough and I don't deserve another opportunity.  
I'm really scared of that. This is why, when she shyly embraces me, I return the hug much more resolved.  
“I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it. World against or not, you will always be worth to fight. We will always be worth it.”  
I don't want to let her go anymore, never again.


	18. 14 - Me and you, just Us two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do we need some fluff after all that drama? Yes we do!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! A short side-note about the title: it's a quote from the "Sex&The City" movie. I loooved the series, so I wanted to pay homage somehow :P

Fortunately after Monaco GP we have a short break. Lando has a week off before leaving for Portugal, and only god knows how much we need it after our fight.  
We left Nice with a private jet: I'm not following our route, but I roughly note we're landing before expected.  
“It isn't possible we are already home.” I take a look outside but I can't find any reference point.  
Lando is looking at me with an amused gaze “Maybe I decided to plan a surprise.”  
“What? Where are we?”  
“You'll see”  
I try to fork out some details, but he's unmoving.  
Anyway his secret lasts till we're in the airport hall: we're in Paris!  
“Surprise!” Says holding my hand “I thought we needed a vacation.”  
“I... I'm speechless.”  
“Is it your first time in Paris?”  
“To be honest I've been here many times... I can be your tour guide”  
“Better, because I've never been here.”

We're in our private car, and despite the traffic we arrive to the hotel in a little time.  
The room is a dream: I open wide the balcony door and I end up in a little terrace overlooking the Tour Eiffel. It resembles Carrie's room in the last season of 'Sex & The City'.  
I breath in the fresh air, enjoying to be in an attic that keeps away the traffic noises.  
Lando joins and embraces my back, digging his face between my shoulder and neck.  
“Thank you, I don't know what to say...” I lean my arms on his and let him cradle me.  
We stay there until my stomach growls, making laugh both of us.  
“Choose where to eat.”  
He doesn't even finish the sentence that I'm dragging him to the car, I already know what to say to our chauffeur: “ _Place de la Madeleine s'il vous plait_ ”  
We arrive to our destination in 15 minutes, and after leaving the car I walk Lando for about 200 metres.  
As soon as he sees the sign he's confused “Laduree? Are you craving for desserts?”  
“Follow me.”  
I greet the maitre in the entrance and ask for a table upstairs: this is the oldest Laduree shop in Paris, and not many people know that on the ground floor there are the proper shop and tea room, while on the first floor there's an actual restaurant.  
We take our seats and in a little time we get our orders: lobster ravioli for me, pepper filet and chips for Lando. Food is utterly delicious.  
As dessert we get a selection of macarons and two hot chocolates.  
I laugh out loud when Lando gets some of the whipped cream on his nose-tip. 

After lunch we walk towards the Louvre, where we agreed to meet our chauffeur.  
Instead of following the road we decide to walk the boulevards of Jardin des Tuileries. We walk slowly, Lando is leaning his arm on my shoulders.  
Suddenly we are separated by a boy, around 4 years old, who is driving in a reckless way his pedals car.  
He brakes abruptly right after passing us and shout out: “Lando Norris!”  
A woman is chasing him close: “Julian! Don't bother others! I'm sorry, I...”  
“Mum! He's Lando Norris from Formula 1! Can we take a picture?”  
Lando ducks to his height “Sure, but you have to promise me to obey to your mum. Do you want to be a driver when you grow up?”  
“Exactly! Just like you.”  
“Alright, listen to your mum, eat everything she cooks and you'll make it”  
Lando poses and smile at Julian's mother camera “I'm so sorry for annoying you, both him and his father are huge fan of races.”  
“No problem at all” I reply smiling.  
Lando says goodbye to Julian high-fiving him and then we can keep walking.  
Before thinking about it properly I tell “You're very good with kids.”  
“Maybe because I'm a bit of a kid myself” he smiles.  
I stop in the middle of the path “You know that I'm the woman with the smallest maternal instinct in the whole world, if you ever...”  
“Hey hey hey” he interrupts my ramblings “Don't even start with this kind of things, sweetheart. The fact I'm able to get along with young supporters doesn't mean anything. All I need is you, I don't need anything else.”  
He squeezes the collar of my coat and kisses me. God, how much I love him. 

In the evening we have dinner thanks to room service.

The next day the weather isn't clement: it's raining cats and dogs. And presumably it'll be like this tomorrow too.  
We're still wrapped in sheets “You'll choose the activity for today, young sir”  
He's pensive for a while, then he grasps me and drags me over himself “Today you're mine”  
“As if I wasn't yours all the other days too” I reply kissing him passionately. 

It's been months since I spent a whole day in bed.  
When I'm at home in Italy or in Woking there's always something to do, not to mention when I'm travelling with Lando.  
But today we just stay in bed cuddling. We get up only to go to the bathroom, or accept room-service.  
“What would you like to do at the end of the season?” Asks Lando when he's leaning on my stomach, I'm playing with his curls.  
“I have no idea. I spent almost all of my summer holidays in Cote d'Azur, in my family apartment.”  
“And how were summers in Cote d'Azur?”  
I giggle “Like every other place. Hot. But sounds so cool when you say you spend summer in Monte Carlo. I was much often on my own anyway. I don't like to spend my time in a beach, so I used to take long walks in parks, oceanographic museum, the palace...”  
“I'm sorry you were alone” says Lando turning on his stomach.  
“You shouldn't. Spending the holidays on your own, doing whatever you want, whenever you want, is very underrated.”  
“Would you like to go on holiday on your own this winter?”  
I try to guess if he's disappointed. Even if I have no doubts about my answer. “No. I'd be happy to spend holidays with you. Unless you have something against it.”  
He kisses me quickly “Of course not. I used to travel with my family too, it's fine.” He sits against the headboard, he's more comfortable to use the phone. “But my question is the same. What would you like to do?”  
“I'll think about that. Any idea?”  
“Way too may. Carlos invited us to Marbella, Charles on his boat, my parents maybe still expect I'll go with them...”  
“We're still plenty of time to decide” I say seraphic leaning on his shoulder. He kisses my temple and takes a selfie. 

The day after the weather isn't the best again, less rainy but there's such a cold wind.  
I'm tempted to spend another day in bed, but I take all my courage and propose Lando to come with me to Musee d'Orsay.  
It's not high season and being in the middle of the week, there're very few people. We begin from the highest panoramic floor, and then we walk downstairs following the guided path. I linger in front of some paintings, especially by impressionists. But the thing that entertains me the most is looking at Lando totally out of his comfort zone, I think he was never very interested in classical art. I take a pic of him in secret, while he's staring at a Degas with the typical pose of old men at a construction site, he's adorable.  
I join and hug his back while he's looking a painting by Bonnard 'The white cat'.  
“I like this one. This kitty is nice.”  
“It's one of my favourite too. Last time I came here with my mum, we used to joke about this painting, that would have been nice to hang it in our living-room. I know you're bored, but thanks for coming with me.”  
“It isn't true I'm bored! It's just I'm not well-prepared...”  
“Oh well, I'm not an expert neither. But I like the peace and atmosphere of museums, I admire them because of the emotions they give. Look at this one for example.” We're in front of the next painting, 'Rose bushes under trees' by Klimt. “Look at it close, try to loose the frame. Can't you feel the flowers' smell, the warmth of the sun, the cicadas, the birds chirping...”  
Lando stares it intensely for a good couple of minutes “If I had you as my art history teacher I'd have appreciated the subject more.”  
A quick stop to the gift shop (where we buy a poster of the white cat) and then we're out. It's still cold but the wind has decreased. 

Paris hosts us till Sunday, when unwillingly we have to go back to the real world in the UK.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S̶a̶d̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶f̶u̶c̶k̶ Fun fact: some years ago I really had hot chocolate in that Laduree shop in Paris. It was one of the most delicious thing I ate in my whole life.


End file.
